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Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

February 22, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

Where Are They Now: Northwestern Freshmen on Monday Night

February 22, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

The library Dave and Busters Wash. U. Founding a pessimism club Swimming in the ice rink Lodge Crepe Bistro happy hour

Lodge Alumni to Seek Somalian Asylum

February 14, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.

Frat Kicked off Campus for Forcing Pledges to Go to Class

February 8, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked

Ahmad Bradshaw Reluctantly Scores Super-Bowl-Winning Touchdown

February 8, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Bradshaw’s troubles continued at the post-Super-Bowl party, where he accidentally scored with a cheerleader.

SHAPE Brings Crabs to Northwestern Campus

February 8, 2012 Sam Jacobs Leave a comment

SEARLE- In preparation for Northwestern Dance Marathon, scheduled to take place the weekend of March 9th, Sexual Health and Peer Educators (SHAPE) is putting together a campus wide crabwalk race to raise money for this year’s beneficiary, B+. “The race will start at Tech and all the crabs will scurry toward Searle Health Services,” President of SHAPE, Eliza Crochitch said. “We are really excited and we are hoping every pair participating in DM will send at least one crab to

Farmer to Deliver NU Commencement Address, Offer Realistic View of Students’ Futures

February 8, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern University seniors were surprised to learn that the 2012 Commencement Address would be delivered by a farmer named Paul from central Illinois. “I mean, I guess I understand how farming might be important in light of the food crisis in, like, Africa and whatever,” Weinberg senior Jonah Goldblum told Flipside, “but I was expecting someone a little more… academic.” Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro reacted to the lukewarm response to the farmer, saying, “This Spring, thousands of

Non-Greek Night: A Live Blog

February 8, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

5:52 PM – Weekend time! Got my midterms behind me and an awesome weekend with absolutely zero responsibility ahead of me! Time to celebrate! Whooooooo! 6:23 PM – Celebrating with Hot Cookie Bar at Allison! God damn that tastes good! This is what college is all about, right here! Who needs the Greek system anyways? 7:13 PM – Just getting a little History homework out of the way, then it’s party time! 7:56 PM – Here we go! Swiped a

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Area 5th Grader Unsure Where to Drink Now

February 8, 2012 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern community’s worst fears came to fruition last week when The Keg of Evanston’s liquor license was revoked. Although the decision by Mayor Tisdahl hardly seems unexpected, the decision has far-reaching effects that have surprised the community. “My friend Dave and me used to trade Pokémon cards there after school,” local fifth grader Danny Popps told Flipside reporters. “I would usually order a beer, but Dave always had a martini; he’s real fancy and stuff.” The Keg