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Student Assigned Rhetorical Analysis of Paper Written While Drunk

April 20, 2012 Jacob Clinton Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Shelby Anderson debuted a joint policy between the NU English Department and the Evanston Police Department last Thursday. Students who turn in essays they clearly wrote while intoxicated must now analyze their paper’s diction, syntax, structure, and tone in the context of their drinking. The first person to be affected by the policy is Weinberg sophomore Daniel O’Connor, the author of a “totally incoherent” paper on the short story “Araby” from James Joyce’s Dubliners. Anderson

World Bank Hazes the Shit out of New President

April 19, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Kim was forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol, run around the National Mall half naked while blindfolded, drink a gallon of milk mixed with water from the Potomac River, deny emergency loan requests from Angola, and be quizzed on facts of the founding of the institution.

Read more Business, Nation, No. 80, Politics, World

Golden Corral Protests Buffet Rule

April 17, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

RALEIGH, NC — President Obama is making the “Buffet Rule” a large part of his reelection campaign, but this proposal has met an unexpected challenger in Golden Corral, famous for its delicious buffets. James H. Maynard, chairman of the corporation, released a statement protesting Obama’s plan of minimum payments from those who are able to consume the most. “Obama’s Buffet Rule is nothing but discrimination. We oppose the President in his work to place an unfair burden on our heaviest

Facebook Already Planning to Coat Everything in Shitty Sepia Filters

April 17, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

PALO ALTO, CA – Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagram’s characteristic “vintage” filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week. “This may be the biggest re-design we’ve ever done,” Zuckerberg declared from Facebook’s Palo Alto headquarters. “Expect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? There’s gonna be

Marlins Owners Disappointed to Learn People Can Understand What Ozzie Guillen is Saying

April 16, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

MIAMI, FL – Miami Marlins ownership was shocked this week to learn not only does Ozzie Guillen speak English, but that people can actually understand what he is saying. It was only after this already shocking revelation that Marlins Owner Jeffery Loria realized that Guillen praised one of the world’s worst dictators. “We specifically hired a manager who could speak the language of our players,” Loria said. “We did not realize he also spoke English.” “It’s pretty disappointing,” Loria added.

Athlete Fails to Grasp Why 110% Sale Is Losing Money

April 10, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath will not be entering the hypothetical Well-Run-Business Hall of Fame. Namath was sad to announce Sunday that his restaurant, Joe’s Bar and Grill, will be shutting its doors permanently at the end of the month. Namath attributed this decision to the fact that he “was losing money faster than [he] can throw a football. Customers would walk in, flash a coupon, and walk out with a wad of cash.” Namath

Four Die in Helicopter Parent Crash

April 10, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Two prospective students and their helicopter parents died Tuesday during a tour of Northwestern. The tragedy occurred after Mrs. Maddie Lees, 46, and Ms. Rebecca Schlessinger, 48, started asking a series of questions about standardized test scores that spun out of control. Mrs. Lees started to lose control when she learned that SAT IIs were recommended, but not required, even though she personally paid for a private US History tutor and do you know how much those cost.

Sex Week Hits Rough Patch Due to Lube Shortage

April 10, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Sex Week is not going as smoothly as organizers would have hoped due to an unforeseen lube shortage. The drought has the College Feminists, the group behind Sex Week, scrambling to whet the appetite of an increasingly chafed and throbbing crowd. According to event patron Tyler Carter, “Everything was going just swimmingly until the pool of KY Jelly suddenly ran empty. But now my energy is gone and I just can’t keep my enthusiasm up for the speaker

Burn at the Lagoon Eliminates Weeds, Sad Athletics T-Shirts

April 5, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern University Facilities Management announced today that the scheduled burn at the lakefill lagoon successfully burned off 14 species of invasive plants and approximately 700 Northwestern Athletics t-shirts that in hindsight should have never been made. “These controlled burnings help the ecology of the green spaces on campus,” said Ron Nayler, Associate Vice President for Facilities Management. “They also give us an opportunity to get rid of some of these ridiculous t-shirts. Like this one right here,” said

Banner New Class of 2016 to Promote Academic Biodiversity

April 5, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process