[Graduation Issue] Study: 50% of Graduating Seniors Already Alcoholics
“The real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,” Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions.
Category Archives: Articles
[Graduation Issue] Senior Turns in Thesis Statement
“I’m so good at thesises,” said Weinberg Senior Kevin Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”
[Graduation Issue] Graduating Engineers Recruited by NASA, Theater Majors by Starbucks
“This might come as kind of a surprise, given the rigor of the Comm curriculum,” theater major Kirk Hammill told The Flipside, “but I was actually kind of worried about finding a job after graduation.”
Ski Team “Sorry We Got Caught”
“We apologize in particular for misrepresenting the nation of Bangladesh. We missed out on a veritable gold mine of Muslim stereotypes, and it will not happen again,” wrote the event coordinators.
Prospie Turns Out to be Asshole, Admission Revoked
“He insisted on going to as many frat parties as he could, and even suggested starting a Racist Beer Olympics in my dorm,” said the prospie’s overnight host, John Altman.
Most Awkward Moment in History Occurs When Student Diversity Leader Walks in on Racist Olympics
“It is simply quite astounding,” said Dr. David Howard of Harvard’s Awkward Sciences program. “The awkward blast from the sudden confrontation of a diversity leader walking in on a bunch of elitist white people making fun of everything he stands for was just over 9.75 Michaelcerawatts.”
Area Textbook Slightly Water Damaged in Spill
Pages 177-362 were damaged near the top of the book, and page 176 was splashed slightly. After drying, the textbook is expected to make a full recovery, though its pages will never lie perfectly flat again.
The Good and The Bad: Markwell Edition
The “I Agree With Markwell” campaign has taken the Northwestern campus by storm. Here is a detailed breakdown of its pros and cons: The Good -It’s something to talk about instead of the bad weather. -If you agree hard enough you get a free indulgence. -Hipsters who are trying to be ironic and contrarian against the backlash to his campaign agree. -Nary a soul has been lost on this campaign because they asked for directions, unlike that stubborn Moses. -The
Republicans Use Tupac Hologram Technology to Bring Back Reagan
WASHINGTON – After seeing the Star Wars-like hologram of the late rapper Tupac Shakur at Coachella, Republicans were so enticed by the technology that they decided to purchase their own hologram projector. Republicans are using their new machine in the GOP National Office to project Ronald Regan 24/7. Since last Monday, hologram Reagan has been repeating the phrases “Cut Taxes”, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”, and “Trickle-down economics is good economics!” When asked why the GOP made the purchase,
Record Number of Students Apply to Tell Lies about Northwestern
Conklin hopes to tell visitors that Northwestern’s average ACT score is 35.8, 97% of graduates earn over a million dollars per year, and that famous alumni include both Joe Biden and Barack Obama.