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Category Archives: Politics

1859 EDITION: Compromise of 1850 Deemed a Success

October 20, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.” The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval. “Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick

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President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

October 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be

Former Senator Larry Craig, Inspired by Tom DeLay, Reveals Passion for Tap Dancing

October 2, 2009 Brian Lee Leave a comment

BOISE, ID—Former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his “great love” for “the glorious art of tap-dance” on a press conference Tuesday. He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians. “A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there

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Cheney Ready to Lead Death Panels

September 16, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.” “These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally

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Cheney Defends Torture Policies, Jim Crow Laws, Compromise of 1850

May 22, 2009 Josh Berry Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bush’s torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported. “President Bush’s stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,” said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. “They both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and they’ve both received

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George W. Bush Proud of Being Able to Name Half the Presidents on Sporcle

May 15, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

CRAWFORD, TX—Former President George W. Bush was described as “the happiest he’s been in years” Thursday after he successfully named 22 of the 44 U.S. Presidents on the popular trivia quiz site Sporcle. “George was strutting around the house, grinning like he won the lottery,” explained his wife Laura, “I haven’t seen him that happy since we got Saddam.” Mrs. Bush reported that her husband got off to a strong start, naming most of the early presidents and some more

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Barack Obama Friends Hugo Chavez on Facebook

May 1, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying

Obama Sends Pirates, Depp Hiding

April 17, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose.

Obama Fires GM Car Salesman for not Having Right Make, Model

April 3, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O. Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his

March Madness To Be Covered Under Universal Health Care

April 3, 2009 Zach Galant Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—After learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in America’s health care plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary. At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, “This is a serious problem. We need to change the system. I know this disease affects real folks, myself included, and it is important to make this a priority.” March Madness is an extremely contagious disease, most prevalent in