Ever since he was a boy, Pope Leo XIV–formerly Robert Prevost–had three dreams: To be a man of good moral character and faith, for the White Sox to win a world series, and to live forever. The Pontif would see two of these wishes come true in his lifetime already, with the Sox winning it all in 2005 and his election to the papacy satisfying in the minds of many the first. However, the third, more unorthodox, dream once thought impossible may also come true soon. 

Recently, it was revealed by The Vatican that Pope Leo had been diagnosed with cancer. However, not too long after this they declared that his health was “rapidly improving.” The depth of this statement was not fully understood until the most recent reports had come out on the state of the Pontif’s health. 

After ordering that the archives of The Vatican be combed thoroughly in the case that they might hold some lost knowledge on how to heal from his illness, the Pope made a discovery that may grant him immortality.

From what we could gather from insider sources, it seems that these sources used the metastatic and hyper-mitotic abilities of the cancer to allow for never-ending replication. This would be done by the implantation of the mysterious substance ichor into one’s body. One theory from a local crazy person outside of our office is that the Pope and others are drinking the blood of infants to live forever. The validity of this claim is to be determined, but knowing the Catholic Church’s history with kids, we are not going to rule anything out. 

Little is known about what exactly has been going on behind the closed doors of The Vatican, and Pope Leo’s recent tweet, which read simply “Y’all ready for Super Pope?” has stirred up more confusion on the matter. The Vatican has refused to comment on this topic.