Tag Archives: Football

Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,

Read more Issue 27, Sports, Year 2

NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl

2 comments

TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside

Read more Sports

Nerd Picks Level 37 Half-Elf Half-Orc in Fantasy Football Draft

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a move baffling fellow participants in his fantasy football league, Northwestern student James Johnson chose a level 37 half elf half orc as his first pick of the draft. Johnson, a newcomer to the world of fantasy football, thought he would give it a shot after having reached Level 70 on World of Warcraft on three separate occasions. “I was just bored of killing centaurs, leveling up, and constantly pwning n00bs”, he said. “I need a new realm to

Read more Sports

Willie the Wildcat Put Down after Being Diagnosed with Swine Flu

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus. Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young

Read more Sports

Fantasy Owner Drops Adrian Peterson Following “Unacceptable” Week 3 Performanc

Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Jack Randall, the owner of the fantasy football team named “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” dropped Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson following his nine-point performance against the 49ers last Sunday. Although Peterson leads all running backs in fantasy scoring this season, Randall said the decision was obvious given Peterson’s “unacceptable” performance on Sunday. However, according to Randall, the statistical performance was only half the reason he dropped him. “Yeah I was extremely disappointed by Adrian’s 85 yards rushing with

Read more Sports
Recent Entries »