Tag Archives: Football

Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most

Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers

CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. “Since we finally realized that the zodiac

EA Sports Announces New Willpower Attribute in Madden 2011

MAITLAND, FLORIDA—Electronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.” “We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.” Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power

Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,

NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl

TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside

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