Football | Northwestern Flipside

Tag Archives: Football

Saints Linebacker Boba Fett Suspended for Involvement in Bounty System

April 3, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell. Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several

Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter

January 15, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

Bears Make Playoffs – Ha! That’s a Good One!

January 9, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism

November 23, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions.”

Asian Parents Disappointed that Rice Game Was about Football

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle One comment

Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win

October 18, 2011 Laken Howard Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most

Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares

February 2, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers

January 18, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. “Since we finally realized that the zodiac

Northwestern Already Trailing 21-0 in Next Year’s Bowl Game

January 3, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started.”

Randy Moss’s Feelings Hurt After Being Cut by Two Teams

November 6, 2010 Brian Earl Leave a comment