CHICAGO — A quarter century since the end of the Cold War, Americans found some much-needed consolation from the news that conditions are still objectively worse in Russia. After receiving, and subsequently retweeting, a bevy of reports about dirty hotel rooms, incomplete construction, dangerous venues, and poisoned stray animals in Sochi, millions of Americans felt unnecessarily smug.
“It’s just amazing that the Russians still can’t get the easy things right,” said Jim Kelley, a Denver Broncos fan who spent three hours stuck in Secaucus Junction following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. “I mean, how hard is it to get enough pillows for everyone?”
“I think it’s just horrible that they’re setting up surveillance cameras in hotel bathrooms,” said Jennifer Brown, whose file in the NSA internal system was adjusted after she posted the link to an article from Slate on Facebook. “Just how invasive is that?”
“You know who pulled off an amazing Olympics? The Chinese,” said Lisa Connelly, while aboard the Washington-bound Acela Express which had stopped for signal clearance in the outskirts of New Haven, Connecticut. “Now that was a spectacle.”
Politicians were quick to add the Sochi misadventures to the growing list of anecdotal evidence supporting American exceptionalism. According to sources, Mitt Romney, the former CEO of the Salt Lake Organizing Committee, was seen muttering that such problems did not exist in the 2002 Winter Olympics when the game was held in a city in the middle of a desert surrounded by mountains. He continued to murmur to himself, blaming President Putin and the 47% of Russians who would vote for Putin no matter what.
Sarah Palin, for whom Russia remains one of the exceedingly rare areas of pseudo-expertise, described the problems as “adherent [sic] to the communist system” and followed up with a passionate speech on the evils of universal healthcare.
When prompted for a response on these claims of Russian inferiority, President Putin simply said “Sputnik” from his newly-furnished kitchen.
Picking up on the trend of rehashing old conflicts, NBC is rumored to have started compiling footage to air during both the 2016 games in Rio de Janeiro and the 2018 games in Pyongchang, South Korea. Video segments will include a computer-generated President Monroe and a M*A*S*H cast reunion.