Tag Archives: Romney

Utah Admits to Not Counting Presidential Election Ballots

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from Utah admitted yesterday that they entirely skipped counting the ballots from last week’s general election. Instead of tallying the votes, the Office of Lieutenant Governor, which handles elections in the Beehive State, admitted to just making up numbers that add up to rough estimates of voter turnout. Major news outlets first noticed discrepancies when election projections were made seconds after polls closing with no precincts actually reporting. These discrepancies went largely unnoticed when

Nation Glad To Go Back To Not Giving A Shit About Ohio

COLUMBUS, OH — After an eternity of acting like the state actually matters, Americans are relieved that they are once again able to completely disregard Ohio. Due to its electoral significance, pundits, candidates, and campaigns had descended on the cultural wasteland, attempting to woo the votes of disappointed Browns and Bengals fans in every county, and bringing it to the forefront of the media’s eye for the past several months. Privately, however, campaigns had expressed dissatisfaction with their Ohio operations.

Candidates Agree To Scrap Electoral College for Dick Measuring Contest

WASHINGTON — Despite a year of campaigning, with Election Day here, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have decided to settle who will win the Presidency the way real men do: a cock-off. While usually a means of settling bar bets, dick measuring is not foreign to the political sphere. In fact, cock fighting was used to determine the winner in a hotly contested battle for Congress in the 19th Century, in what historians now refer to as the Cumgressional Race

Biden Accidentally Declares War on Iran

WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden may have instigated World War III last night during a last-minute campaign stop at Georgetown University. The gaffe-prone politician was delivering a short speech encouraging students to vote when he accidentally declared war on Iran. “We’re still not entirely sure what happened,” White House aide Michael Howard explained. “One minute he’s reading from a prepared statement about the Founding Fathers and the next he’s assembling the Joint Chiefs of Staff to authorize a pre-emptive

Romney Appeals to Undecided NU Voters by Promising to Open Frontera Fresco Before the Election

EVANSTON — With only days remaining until the election, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney stood outside Norris University Center and promised Northwestern students he would ensure Frontera Fresco opened before Election Day. “I’m a businessman,” Romney said. “I know how create jobs in this country and I’ll do it here, with Frontera Fresco.” “Construction jobs,” he added. “Do those count as manufacturing?” Explaining the delays in construction, Sodexo claimed they had not realized students would be returning to school as early

Boca Raton Residents Play Debate Drinking Game with Mylanta

BOCA RATON, FL — Residents of Century Village, a Boca Raton retirement community, gathered to watch the third and final presidential debate Monday night while they played a drinking game with Mylanta, an over the counter treatment for acid reflux. Third floor resident Seymo Best Way To Get Your Ex Back Through Texting ur Cohen organized the drinking game as a good way to have fun and reduce flatulence at the same time. “Monday nights are usually a big night

Debate Proves Candidates Will Argue About Seriously Anything

BOCA RATON, FL — At the third presidential debate at Lynn University, where the median student age is 75 years old, undecided voters finally had the opportunity to see just how far Governor Romney and President Obama will go to criticize each other. The two candidates were in top form as they displayed their ability to dispute literally anything. Romney and Obama sparred on topics such as the war in Afghanistan, relations with China, and the proper pronunciation of ‘tomato’,

Area Man Telling You How You’re a Propaganda-Spewing Sheep

FACEBOOK –- Following your decision to watch a Presidential debate and post a Facebook status in support of your preferred candidate, area man William Burton, whom sources indicate you dimly remember from your days in summer camp, has already left three lengthy comments on your original post detailing exactly how and why you are a propaganda-spewing shill for an illegitimate political movement. Burton began his tirade by telling you how “disappointed” he was to see you supporting a rival politician

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