Dear Flippy,

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Every year, I love seeing kids as ghosts, witches, and Spider-Man ringing my doorbell, their voices demanding with youthful cheer, “Trick or treat!” I answer the door and tell them to try their luck! However, last year, more children left my doorstep with skittles rather than stitches. The year before, the candy was indistinguishable from the blood after only a few trick-or-treaters. It seems I just can’t get the ratio right. With the price of candy this year what it is, I just can’t afford to throw away soiled candy, nor can I emotionally afford another year of snowflakes feeling entitled to a treat. In my hour of need, I need your expertise, Flippy: what ratio of blades to dum-dums will ensure the best results?

Desperately yours,

B. Sharp

Dear B. Sharp,

 I remember when I was but a cub on Halloween. The greatest treat of all was the anticipation before knocking wondering if I’d leave with a trick or a treat. My favorites were the gummies, but I respect your preferences.

            I also respect your mission to teach kids about life. This generation is poisoned by the illusion of safety. Like Forrest Gump says, Life is like a box of chocolates with razorblades.

            You have two options.

            The first is the instant gratification method which reveals the trick or treat. It seems that this is your method. However, the key is the bandy’s brand. You can do a 1:1 ratio with M&M’s, airheads, or mini-chocolate bars. These shapes disguise the blades and enable a fair chance of blade-to-candy. The risk is if the child chooses a blade, they bleed over the candy, making it unusable for future children.  

            The second requires more effort. Buy as many razor blades as candy (hypodermic needles work too) and place them inside the candy. Snickers are my favorite, but other similar candies are acceptable. It helps to build a reputation as “the Snickers house” so kids come back. Once you put the trick inside the treat, use an iron to reseal it, and revel in the knowledge that some kids will end up in the hospital tonight.

Whether the scar is on their sticky little hands or their permanently damaged internal organs, they will always remember you and the lesson you taught them. You made an impact on this world. Be proud.

Best of luck this Halloween!

With admiration,

Flippy