Reporting from Evanston, Illinois

Early Saturday morning, the Norris Center’s Perimeter Supervision and Enforcement (PSE) system was activated after receiving reports of a suspicious person. Reports from Flock cameras in the area detected a person using chalk on the pavement outside Luna’s that did not appear to be from the Norris Center’s approved supply. After detecting the threat, the AI-powered security system engaged the suspect, now known to be a 10-year-old boy, with an automated turret and killed him.

“Tragic, but ultimately, this is the price we pay for security,” said Clara Capaldi, head of Norris Center Outdoors. “Norris Outdoors has very specific, clear rules for who is allowed to use chalk on the Norris Center and adjoining areas. These rules can all be accessed for free by logging onto the CatsOnCampus page using your NetID, while on the GlobalProtect VPN, then accessing the yearly training material by contacting Norris Outdoors through the SOA messaging system, and then by simply navigating to training modules 4-6, sections II, III, and VIII respectively, and the relevant paragraphs and subparagraphs of each, before of course taking the Norris Outdoors certification test and passing with a score of at least 95%. Once approved, the applicant can access our chalk in the Norris basement at any time between 5:10 and 5:15 on Monday mornings.”

“The consequences of these rules being broken will hopefully serve as a warning for those on campus of what may come of their disobedience,” commented President Mung Chiang on the matter.