NU Removes Fences Surrounding Tech Construction, Replaces Them with Students Handing Out Flyers
Schapiro Responds to the “Great Microwave Fire of 2014”
“I know that it has been a rough week for everyone,” Schaprio began. “Mid-terms just finished. Nobody has slept much. And this week, Northwestern had one of the worst accidents it has ever experienced.”
Dead “Snake Salvation” Pastor Clearly Only Read the First Ten Pages of The Bible
Sprungschießen (Ski Jump Archery) Deemed Too Easy, Will Be Made More Difficult in 2018
Sprungschießen is a new event at the Winter 2014 Olympics this year that requires athletes to shoot a moving target with a bow and arrow immediately after launching after a ski jump. In addition, jumpers must execute an elaborate series of twists, flips, turns, and rotations.
Northwestern Football Unionization Efforts Fall Apart in Fourth Quarter
“The Most Dangerous Biathlon” Disappoints Spectators with Only Twelve Deaths
The event has an illustrious history dating back to the 1960 Winter Games in California, when Olympic host and US Vice President Richard Nixon personally wiped three names off of his Enemies List.
Mars One’s Kickstarter Campaign Fails to Reach $3 Trillion Goal to Launch Martian Colony
Americans Realize Terrible Things Happening Everywhere as Olympics Come to an End
Various social networking services resumed delivering articles adorned with click-bait titles all pointing to gruesome human deaths in faraway places, such as “The 10 Best Mass Casualty Events You Missed During the Winter Olympics.”
Freshman Starting to Think He Might Want to Call Home This Year
Sources indicate that Goldsmith is currently holding his phone in his hands, weighing the prospect of a healthy conscience against the insufferable high-pitched tone of his mother’s joyful exclamations.
JR Epidemic Sweeps McCormick Tribune Center
Symptoms include, but are not limited to, homelessness, an intense phobia of the word “clips,” and excessive fatigue. JR can also cause unnecessary moving expenses and in some patients an effective guarantee of missing Dillo Day.