Northwestern Football Unionization Efforts Fall Apart in Fourth Quarter
“The Most Dangerous Biathlon” Disappoints Spectators with Only Twelve Deaths
The event has an illustrious history dating back to the 1960 Winter Games in California, when Olympic host and US Vice President Richard Nixon personally wiped three names off of his Enemies List.
Mars One’s Kickstarter Campaign Fails to Reach $3 Trillion Goal to Launch Martian Colony
Americans Realize Terrible Things Happening Everywhere as Olympics Come to an End
Various social networking services resumed delivering articles adorned with click-bait titles all pointing to gruesome human deaths in faraway places, such as “The 10 Best Mass Casualty Events You Missed During the Winter Olympics.”
Freshman Starting to Think He Might Want to Call Home This Year
Sources indicate that Goldsmith is currently holding his phone in his hands, weighing the prospect of a healthy conscience against the insufferable high-pitched tone of his mother’s joyful exclamations.
JR Epidemic Sweeps McCormick Tribune Center
Symptoms include, but are not limited to, homelessness, an intense phobia of the word “clips,” and excessive fatigue. JR can also cause unnecessary moving expenses and in some patients an effective guarantee of missing Dillo Day.
Area Man Speaks Only in Upworthy Headlines, and You Won’t Believe What He Said!
International Skating Union to Replace Figure Skating Judges with Bond Henchmen
“Have you seen Skyfall? No KGB, not even mention. No cabbage for my little girls. Now, I make Mother Russia happy, my girls get cabbage and no one dead. Perfect,” said Ilya Vladikov, a former KGB agent who now works as a freelance filmmaker/assassin.
Denmark Dominates in Polar Bear Jumping with Gold Medal Performance
Karstensen’s bear nearly lost its footing as it landed on slippery ice in the last jump of the round. The excited fans audibly gasped, then cheered as Ingegerd managed to remain upright and finish the competition.
Sinkhole Opens under Corvette Museum, Satan Expands Car Collection