Area Man Speaks Only in Upworthy Headlines, and You Won’t Believe What He Said!
International Skating Union to Replace Figure Skating Judges with Bond Henchmen
“Have you seen Skyfall? No KGB, not even mention. No cabbage for my little girls. Now, I make Mother Russia happy, my girls get cabbage and no one dead. Perfect,” said Ilya Vladikov, a former KGB agent who now works as a freelance filmmaker/assassin.
Denmark Dominates in Polar Bear Jumping with Gold Medal Performance
Karstensen’s bear nearly lost its footing as it landed on slippery ice in the last jump of the round. The excited fans audibly gasped, then cheered as Ingegerd managed to remain upright and finish the competition.
Sinkhole Opens under Corvette Museum, Satan Expands Car Collection
Area Homeless Man Dons Dance Marathon Bib, Earns Enough to Move off Street
In the past three days people have put over $2000 in his cup, shouting words of encouragement such as “Dance for the kids!” and “Do it for Joseph!”
Derek Jeter to Retire, Pablo Sanchez Still Going Strong
Pledge Daughter Receives Bloody, Dripping Garbage Bag from Pledge Mom
Attached to the bag was a yellow post-it note reading: “Hang onto this for a while. Thx. –Momma.”
Pre-Law Student Sneaks into Suits Event with Backpack Full of Weed “Hoping for the Best”
Bartenders Everywhere Pour out a Little Grenadine for Shirley Temple
Clay Aiken’s Political Career Ended as Opponent Studdard Has Last Minute Surge
Aiken pounded the competition week after week with top-notch speeches, rallies, and appearances. His opponent was less consistent, having a small number of impressive performances but many that were met with mediocre reviews.