Candy Crush Makers Trademark “Candy,” Thousands of Topless Dancers “So Fucking Pissed”
Candi, Candee, and Kandy were fined for violations as well.
Edzo’s Open for Dinner; ‘You’re Welcome,’ Says God
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
A Message from the NU Emergency Management System Regarding Extreme Cold
For students afflicted with a scheduled ten-minute trek from the Technological Institute to University Hall, cross country skis will be available for rental from Norris Outdoors, provided staff is able to unfreeze the padlock on the closet where they’re stored.
American Students Behind in Topology and Quantum Chemistry
The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”
CS Major Develops App to Better Stalk the Only Two Girls in Class
There’s an app for that. Also, a restraining order.
Infographic: Blackboard vs. Canvas
Latest in ‘Personal Bubble’ Epidemic: Pennsylvania Outlaws Rubbing Pregnant Bellies
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
Bieber Facing Deportation; Tweens Advocate Immigration Reform
“It’s unfair that hardworking people are denied the right to stay here and help our nation,” said Jennifer Jones, a self-proclaimed diehard Belieber. “Justin Bieber came here to live the American Dream. Why should our country deny him that right?”
Climatologists Give Up; Move to Brazil
“Global Warming wins,” announces scientist in swim suit.
Bill de Blasio Takes a Dump; New Yorkers Relieved
Since NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers for eating pizza with a fork and knife, he has been on a quest to redeem himself as the champion of the middle class.