Latest in ‘Personal Bubble’ Epidemic: Pennsylvania Outlaws Rubbing Pregnant Bellies
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
Bieber Facing Deportation; Tweens Advocate Immigration Reform
“It’s unfair that hardworking people are denied the right to stay here and help our nation,” said Jennifer Jones, a self-proclaimed diehard Belieber. “Justin Bieber came here to live the American Dream. Why should our country deny him that right?”
Climatologists Give Up; Move to Brazil
“Global Warming wins,” announces scientist in swim suit.
Bill de Blasio Takes a Dump; New Yorkers Relieved
Since NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers for eating pizza with a fork and knife, he has been on a quest to redeem himself as the champion of the middle class.
University Anti-Career Services Urges Students to Watch Netflix
“I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick,” said Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services.
OPINION: Penis Game Could Be More Mature
Instead of yelling penis, yell “PHALLUS”. Ten extra points if anyone gives a shit.
Northwestern Currently Engaged in Cover-Up Which Will Affect You in 10 Years
“We’re not bad people and we didn’t start this,” said a high-ranking Northwestern faculty member who the reporters of 2024 will agree was a bad person who started the scandal.
Crack-Selling Sophomore Changes DM Fundraising Tactics
“The thing with drugs is that they get old after a while. People want something new and exciting. That’s where I got my next idea.”
Skinhead Street Artist Upset No One Appreciates His Work
At first, Sanger was pleased with the amount of attention his carved swastika was receiving, but when he realized the reviews and comments about his art were consistently negative, his excitement quickly gave way to disappointment.
Rushing Freshman Judged For Eating Carrot Stick During 7 Hour Sorority Interview
If she had eaten one more, she would have been thrown out in her underwear.