Northwestern to Upgrade from Three Quarters to Seven Quarters
Still not enough for a full load of laundry.
What Are American Politicans Saying about Rob Ford’s Cocaine Use?
Twitter Stock Value Fluctuates during Online Feud
After a series of third-party retweets and favorites, stock traders on Wall Street began to react, fearing that the popularity of the conflict would divert attention from advertisements and reduce the profitability of the website. Shares fell from the IPO price of $26 to $13 in less than an hour.
Students Caught Studying “Anatomy” in Mudd Library
Bass would later write a letter of complaint, but was only rebuked. According to the library’s official statement, “it is our duty to provide the public with information and resources, regardless of how they may use them.”
New FAA Regulations Rob Nation’s Pathetic Bastards of Only Opportunity to Subvert Authority
“Sneakily continuing to use our iPods after flight attendants kindly ask that we put them away is quite literally the only thrill of our lives. It is our sole opportunity for pretending that we have any modicum of power or influence, and such excitement derives exclusively from the act being forbidden.”
Tribute to Veterans Ignored by Students Going to Fucking Classes
Not to be confused with the since discontinued “Fucking Class.” Now that was a great class.
Fan Attempts to Save Justin Bieber from Dehydration, Discovers Bieber Cannot Catch
This is not the first time Anderson has attempted to protect the singer’s health. Mark Anderson follows all of Bieber’s tours around the world, continuously monitoring Bieber’s hydration levels.
Chief Keef Oversleeps, Misses Deadline for ED Northwestern Application
The rapper had completed his essays for the application a week prior to the deadline, but had refrained from submitting his application until Friday night, as he hoped to perform one final check for incorrect spelling and grammar.
Northwestern Athletic Department to Change “Wildcats” to “Investment Bankers”
“There are many universities whose teams’ names fully encapsulate everything their students aspire to be—the Cornhuskers of Nebraska, the Volunteers of Tennessee, and the dumb-as-nuts Buckeyes of The Ohio State University,” commented Jim Phillips, Vice President for Athletics and Recreation.
Illinois Barely Passes Obvious Fucking Bill
Despite being the clearly rational thing to do, Illinois is only the 15th state to realize the proposed bill had no effect on the people opposing it, and that it provided its supporters with basic, equal rights.