The Fraternity Man’s Guide to Derby Day Success

Though a cornerstone of American equine tradition, the Kentucky Derby can prove a stressful experience for horse owners and spectators alike, wrought with high social standards for etiquette, dress code, and cocktail consumption. To prepare brothers and other students planning on a trip to Churchill Downs, several NU fraternities teamed up with campus organizations including the Equestrian Club, Future Oil Billionaires of America, and the Daughters and Sons of the Confederacy to host a pre-Derby spirit week featuring daily mini-courses

Rapper Danny Brown Plans Dillo Day Reading of The Da Vinci Code

EVANSTON — Following the announcement that rapper Danny Brown would be the midday Hip Hop artist featured at this year’s Dillo Day festivities, many Northwestern students voiced concerns related to a recent scandalous performance by the artist in Minneapolis. Mayfest, the group responsible for planning the Dillo Day lineup, quelled the anxieties of more conservative Wildcats by explaining via their twitter account that instead of actually rapping, Brown would do a live reading of the 2003 literary thriller The Da

Norris’s Broken Golden Tee Arcade Game Leaves NU Despondent

EVANSTON — The Golden Tee arcade game located in the ground floor of Norris has fallen into disrepair, sending shock waves through Northwestern and leaving 8,000 students unsure of how to spend their time. “It was just such a big part of how I spent my weekends, you know?” said Angela Smith, sophomore Communication major. “What am I supposed to do now, play non-archaic video games, or even worse, go out and drink or something?” The game, located in the

Proposed Changes to Norris “Totally Make Sense”

EVANSTON — Even with a $150 million major renovation in the works, smaller recent changes to Norris University Center have already been called “totally practical” and are universally enjoyed by the student body. “The new purple walls just make my day that much better when the Norbucks line goes out the door,” said Weinberg sophomore Cassie Weeks. “Plus, the new couches by the entrance will be a great place to lounge around during all of that free time I totally

New Hostess CEO Plans to Avoid Labor Unions, Hires Keebler Elves

COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had plans to reopen bakeries and return many of the only semi-genetically modified treats to stores by mid-July. The largest obstacle in resuming production, though, according to Apollo CEO C. Dean Metropolous (besides, of, course, ever looking at a Twinkie again now that he knows what’s in them)

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