Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success

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EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. “The field hockey team, like, never loses,” said Toussmann. “It’s the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, ‘Gioco a hockey su prato’—‘I play field hockey’—I was all like, ‘Oh mio dio! Questo Ăš fantastico! Congratulazioni!’”

Read more No. 108, Sports

Comm Majors Pass Art Class, Flipside Obtains Syllabus to Find Out How

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Reports indicate that Communications majors are passing art classes with ease. The Northwestern Flipside has obtained a copy of a typical art department class syllabus to investigate how on earth this could possibly occur. The syllabus has been reprinted verbatim below. Week 1: Discuss our favorite feelings, textures. Be prepared to explain the last time you cried. Homework: Spend 30 minutes exploring your heart, and then spend 30 minutes drawing mindlessly. Week 2: History of famous artists. You are allowed

Read more Local, No. 108

CNN Planning Terrorist Attack to Ensure They Get the Facts Right This Time

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ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time. According to verified sources

Read more Nation, No. 108

Obituary: Lilly Pulitzer’s Death Leaves Void Unfillable Except by Flowers and Pink Pants

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Sorority girls, grandmothers, and Kennedys everywhere are mourning the loss of iconic fashion designer Lilly Pulitzer, who died last week at age 81. The “Queen of Prep” had such a widespread cultural impact that it can be difficult to imagine a world without her. How else could housewives somewhat justifiably spend $118 on scarves? What would eighth grade girls in Connecticut wear to their middle school graduations? And where would the modern world be without the creation of prints such

Read more Entertainment, No. 107

ASG Candidates Blame Loss on Poor Weather, Low Turnout

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EVANSTON — According to inside sources, ASG presidential candidates were disappointed that poor election day weather led to low voter turnout. Candidate Aaron Zelikovich has claimed that cold weather, accompanied by snow flurries, half-frozen rain, and “good ol’ fashioned Midwestern hail,” deterred many who would have otherwise gone out and voted for him. Similarly, political strategists for David Harris and Jo Lee were adamant that had the weather been better, voter turnout amongst seniors, who traditionally support candidates with their

Read more Local, No. 108
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