Princess Leia Feels Awkward at Disney Princess Brunch
Disney Freezes Harrison Ford
BURBANK, CA — The Walt Disney Corporation has announced that it has cryogenically frozen Harrison Ford–who portrayed Han Solo in the popular Star Wars series–in preparation for the next Star Wars movie. Robert Goldberg, a Disney executive, said in a press conference, “While Ford is a great actor, we couldn’t ignore his old age, and since we don’t want him to die on us before we start the filming process, we went ahead with the procedure.” Fans of the Star
Pundits Asking What Obama Election Means for 2016 Race
Nation Glad To Go Back To Not Giving A Shit About Ohio
COLUMBUS, OH — After an eternity of acting like the state actually matters, Americans are relieved that they are once again able to completely disregard Ohio. Due to its electoral significance, pundits, candidates, and campaigns had descended on the cultural wasteland, attempting to woo the votes of disappointed Browns and Bengals fans in every county, and bringing it to the forefront of the media’s eye for the past several months. Privately, however, campaigns had expressed dissatisfaction with their Ohio operations.
Obama Hospitalized after Crushing Confetti Avalanche
Romney-Ryan Camp: “We Will Not Let Our Campaign be Dictated by Election Results”
Romney Reminds Ohioans That Win or Lose, He Has More Money Than All of Them Combined
Northwestern Election Watch Parties Outnumber Halloween Parties 2:1
President Obama Pledges to Eradicate Face AIDS
ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus. Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there
Lack of Time Travel Technology Prevents Area Man from Voting for 2008’s Barack Obama