1859 EDITION: Chicago Loses Bid for World’s Fair
1859 EDITION: First Batch of Swine Flu Leeches to Be Released the Next Fortnight
1859 EDITION: I Say, the Chicago White Stockings Have Won the Local Rounder’s Tourney!
1859 EDITION: Hipster Refuses to Listen to Brahms; “Popular Music is an Abomination”
EVANSTON—Up-and-coming composer Johannes Brahms keeps pumping out the pop hits, but some of today’s hippest youths simply are not buying it. Despite the popularity of his breakout hit “Piano Concerto No. 1,” these so-called hipsters are avoiding Brahms at all costs. “He’s just so commercial, you know?” said 19-year-old Bartholomew Hibbons. The youth, sporting straightened black mutton-chop sideburns, continued, “It’s just so predictable. Honestly, if I hear another A minor with a raised sixth and augmented ninth chord I think
1859 EDITION: Pasteurization Causes Autism, Claims Leading Witch Doctor
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Sir Martin Digby-Walsington, resident witch doctor at Oxford University, is on a mission to prove the dangers of science’s latest affront on humanity. Pasteurization, he claims, not only fails to keep so-called “germs” out of milk, but also causes autism in babies. Invented by Louis Pasteur, the eponymous process purports to prevent disease by heating milk to 138˚ Celsius. Immediately adopted by dairy farmers and hailed as an “incredible breakthrough” by the British Royal Academy’s Nigel Pennington, pasteurization has
1859 EDITION: Fiction Review: On the Origin of Species
This week’s book is an enthralling epic narrative by Charles Darwin entitled On the Origin of Species, in which the protagonist travels on a fantastical voyage to a magical island off the coast of South America. While on the surface this story may seem to be one of a slightly eccentric man cavorting with animals, as would the character of a children’s book, it is my belief that much literary significance can be found in many of the characterizations. The
1859 EDITION: UChicago No-Shows, Forfeits Match
EVANSTON—In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised. “Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed
1859 EDITION: Naysayers Insist that Millard Filmore Produce Birth Certificate
1859 EDITION: As Carriage Costs Rise, Students Demand U-Buggy Pass
EVANSTON—Chicago’s Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia. “We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire