All Posts | Northwestern Flipside | Free everywhere, $2.30 Canada

Northwestern to Expand Eastward, Build Archipelago

October 9, 2009 Matthew Rizman Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro unveiled plans to supplement the Evanston campus’ lake fill with a private archipelago across Lake Michigan at his inauguration on Friday, Oct. 9. The plan will raise awareness about sustainability by using organic material from old-growth rainforests to fill the archipelago’s islands, Schapiro said. Citing the cramped conditions of the Sept. 19 ‘Rock the Beach’ dance party thrown for freshmen during Wildcat Welcome Week, Shapiro noted in his inaugural address that “the time is now” for

Poster Sale Purchases More Interesting Than Buyers

October 9, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything… No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as

Oprah Mentors New Interns

October 9, 2009 Brad Horras Leave a comment

President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

October 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be

Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio

October 4, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.

Amish Farmer Blogs, Tweets about Evils of Technology

October 4, 2009 Tom Schroeder

LANCASTER, PA—Ezekiel Lambright has found an outlet for his frustration at the complexities of modern society: the internet. A Pennsylvania Amish hog farmer, Lambright says that his desire to speak out began six months ago, when he found that his sons had been hiding their cell phone use. “I couldn’t believe my eyes! It’s like all our teachings were for naught! Jebediah and Abraham had not only been using cellular telephones, but they had run up an astronomical charge for

Alleged Harris Hall Renovation Revealed to be Cover for Hoffa Search

October 4, 2009 Laura Jok Leave a comment

EVANSTON—This week, an anonymous tip led to the discovery that the alleged restoration of Harris Hall, the home of the NU history department, is in reality a hunt for the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, the long-missing President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters. The unnamed tipster would only identify himself as a member of the Hoffa Disappearance Investigative Committee (HDIC). Despite his oath of confidentiality to the university, he was unable to keep the information from the public custom term

Opinion: Lakefill? More like Lake-augment!

October 4, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

So I keep hearing about this Northwestern Lakefill and how it’s so glorious. Yeah, it has a nice view of Chicago. And sure, it provides people a nice place to run for a total of three months during the school year. But Lake-FILL? I think not. This supposed engineering marvel “filled in the lake” to “add more land to the Northwestern campus.” Ludicrous! The lake is barely full at all. In fact, there’s a whole shit-ton of water left in

Willie the Wildcat Put Down after Being Diagnosed with Swine Flu

October 4, 2009 Louie Hayes Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus. Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young

Big Bite Night Leads to Big Shit Night

October 4, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment