Frat Attracts Early Morning Tailgaters with Continental Breakfast
âI felt like I was dining in a Holiday Inn Express and not freezing in a muddy backyard covered with tarps and half-empty beer cans.â
Sears Rebrands Itself As âWillis,â Still Bankrupt
âWe thought, âNo, letâs keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. Thatâll get the people going.ââ
To Fully Experience Life of Northwestern Student, Parents to Get Rejected by Improv Troupe
âRejection from an improv troupe is part of the classic Northwestern experience; itâs really what people come to this school for,â said Mark Browning, father of Jim Browning
Haunted Lakefill Hammock Swallows Another Victim
McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock.
Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test Revealing She Is 1/64 Golden State Killer
An aide to the Warren campaign said, âWeâd like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer âbod.â
Anime Club Director âMaking Dad Proudâ
Anime Club Director Edward Elric (SESP â19) has announced he is âstill making dad proudâ after another tense seven minute phone call last Sunday.
Trump Apologizes for Mistreatment of Elizabeth Warren, Admits He Was Wrong
Trumpâs speech has been widely regarded as a shining example of political decency and civility. Many are also applauding his masterful turn of phrase and elegant use of language in his speech.
Morty Confused Why He Canât See His Pediatrician Anymore
In a rambling speech on Tuesday, University President Morton Shapiro admitted to Northwesternâs Board of Trustees that heâs not really sure why he canât keep seeing his pediatrician. âI just felt like I had a special connection with Dr. Tottles,â Morty lamented to the confused room of trustees, who thought they were getting a speech about the university budget. âEvery time he would put one of my little hairs under his microscope and tell me he could see AND in
Professor Briefly Considers Career in Comedy After Half of Class Exhales Through Nostrils
âIt was really a better reaction than I ever could have hoped for,â Williams said.
Morty deems scooters âtoo strainingâ on football players, instead gives them piggy-back rides through campus
Athletic trainers and strength coaches workshopped several ideas before they arrived upon the piggy-backing.