Morty Embroiled in Scandal After Cheating During Game of Guess Who
A rule breach in a game of Guess Who could result in Moriarty Schapiro going on a long time out, or even getting grounded for a few days.
Mysterious “Creature of the Lakefill” Revealed to be Morty Night-Swimming
“I didn’t want to frighten anyone. I just like playing around with the ducks.”
Dining Hall Now Offers a Slap Across Your Fucking Face With Raw Chicken Breast
The move comes after the new dining service Compass merged with PĂĽnchindafäce™, a transnational Swedish corporation that fuses gastronomic arts and sadomasochism.
English Major Contemplates Symbolism of Soaked Frat Basement Walls
“If these walls could talk, I bet they’d be telling us that it’s okay to cry sometimes.”
TA Could Have Sworn Discussion Section Much Larger Last Week
Teaching Assistant Jeremy Walter could have sworn his discussion section had more students the week before. “I felt like last Thursday, the kids were fighting over the front row,” said Walter. “Now there’s only one row. Did I hallucinate all those other students?” Walter reasons with himself that perhaps he was more focused on his “killer slides” last week than on the crowd of students, and so his perception of the room may be distorted. “I was showing some videos
Atwood Receives Lukewarm Response at Keynote From Campus Dudes; “She’d Be Pretty If She Smiled More”
“Don’t get me wrong, she sounds like a great writer and all, but she just seemed so serious. Like, lighten up a little, sweetheart!”
Razor Scooter Owner Rides After Dark to Avoid Being Recognized
On the outside, he seems just like everyone else. But on the inside he has a massive, two-wheel secret.
Morty Goes on Secret Tinder Date to the World Series
The two were seen bundled for warmth underneath the romantic lights of a Fenway Park box.
Morty Hoping He’ll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
“I am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe they’ll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”
Mock Trial Stages Mock Execution
The death penalty case arose when Ross approached NUMT’s promotional stand at the Rock and took a brownie before realizing they cost 75 cents. With no cash or venmo, Ross was summarily charged and convicted of theft and thirteen counts of homicide.