Obama to Delay Trump’s Inauguration with Four-Year Farewell Address
The address will be supplemented by recurring segments on fashion trends, daily sports picks, and live reactions to Trump tweets.
Author Archives: Arnold Johnsen
Alice Millar Vandals Sentenced to Literal Slap on the Wrist
“We wanted to rise above the limitations of metaphor and really drive home the lack of consequences.”
Morty Goes as “Sexy Safe Space” for Halloween
“His costume totally rejected gender binary,” said Veronica Keller, SESP ’20. “You honestly couldn’t tell if he was being slutty in a dude way or a girl way.”
Breaking: NAFTA
As repeatedly cited by Donald Trump during tonight’s debate, NAFTA exists. Soon, it might not.
Polynesian-Americans Disappointed that Trump Hasn’t Slandered Them Yet
“It just seems like it’s our turn. Where’s our Alicia Machado moment?”
Morty Challenges UChicago President to 2k Throwdown
“It’s time to get real. It’s time to take those cowards down once and for all, which I will do by obliterating him in 2k.”
Nebraska Fan Can’t Fit Ear of Corn into Clear Plastic Bag
“I wasn’t allowed to take in my lucky ear of corn because I couldn’t fit it into a clear plastic bag.”
Trevor Siemian Has Good First Day at the Office
Siemian successfully completed 18 of 26 sales calls, and personnel manager Gary Kubiak called one of those calls “touchdown quality.”
Mom’s Judging Harder to Ignore During Summer
Apart from increased opportunities for face-to-face maternal judgment, sudden discoveries of school-year secrets also contribute to July’s status as the golden days of parental condescension.
Fraternity Banner: Fuck Mayfest (Consensually)
Northwestern’s Fappa Fappa Fappa chapter added a Dillo-themed banner to the ranks of anti-rape slogans hung on fraternity houses around campus.