Raccoons Break into Tasty Garbage with Their Little Hands
“They were so efficient, the little rascals! They picked everything up, just like a person! But with the tiniest hands…!”
Author Archives: Arnold Johnsen
Area Man Cleverly Sneaks “My Girlfriend” into Anecdote
In a maneuver described by neutral observers as “masterful” and “ultra-smooth,” SESP freshman Jacob Banbury expertly slid the words “my girlfriend” into a quick anecdote he told his friends over lunch in Norris earlier today. “It was sublime,” said one of those friends, Landon Trent, WCAS ’20. “He wasn’t, like, making a big deal out of it. He just nonchalantly dropped in the fact that he’s getting some while telling an unrelated story about what he gets on his Subway
Area Student Demands Gluten
The instigator of Enright’s ire was a platter of carrot muffins in the dining hall’s vegan section.
College Republicans Hastily Cancel Plans to Invite Milo Yiannopoulos
“We would never have invited someone so intentionally divisive, with such regressive views on protecting children from sexual assault.”
Off-campus Student Considers Cleaning Fridge
“Thinking of cleaning out the old fridge,” Orozco said in a 3:21 a.m. tweet. “Want to wait until the time is right, though.”
“We’re Doing Our Best,” Says Administration that Provides Frats On-campus Housing
“Sexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an ‘awareness workshop’ is.”
Roommate Counters Humidifier Purchase with Dehumidifier
“She has every right to put a humidifier on her side of the room. Just like I have every right to cancel it out with a dehumidifier on my side.”
Sean Spicer, Author of To Kill a Mockingbird, to Speak at NU
The novel, which follows the coming-of-age of a Southern girl against a background of racial unrest, is reported by critics to have been penned by the late Harper Lee, but Spicer emphatically denies these claims.
Suspicious Alligator-Shaped Crate Arrives on Fraternity Doorstep
“It could be booze. Or girls. I’m not sure how to identify other types of stuff.”
Jaded Obama Shows up to Work in Sweatpants
“Many of my sources have commented on [the recent change]. One of them compared it to high school senioritis.”