Nick Zessis | Northwestern Flipside

Author Archives: Nick Zessis

New “Unpopular Science” Magazine Only Popular with Unpopular Crowd

May 8, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—It is clear that print media has faced hard times as of late. In an interesting revival tactic, Popular Science Magazine is attempting to counter the downturn by releasing a new sister publication entitled Unpopular Science. The format of the new magazine is similar to that of Popular Science, which features innovations from some of today’s most interesting scientific fields. Unpopular Science, however, focuses mainly on geology. “We were really trying to broaden our demographics,” noted the president of Popular

Jack Bauer Unable to Prevent Terrorists from Releasing Swine Flu

May 1, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a

Eco-Friendly Proudcts Increase Guilt-Free Littering

April 11, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

MCHENRY, IL—Cecil Daniels used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement. That has since changed. “These ‘eco’ products are amazing, they’ve totally changed my life,” Daniels told The Flipside. “Now, I just toss my used 5th generation brand paper plates out

Opinion: New Facebook Has Ruined My Life

March 25, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

Well isn’t this just great? My life was finally starting to get on track. I was just beginning to like my job and I was actually making money in the stock market, if you can believe that. Then, all of a sudden, I come home, start up my Mac Book Pro, and boom, Facebook completely flips a shit! Does my life suck or what? Facebook doesn’t care “what’s on my mind.” If they really cared, they’d change back to the

Acquisition of 3 Hole Punch Triples Intern’s Productivity

February 27, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster. An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid

Out of Pity, Chicago Cubs Allowed to Use Steroids

February 21, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated

Laid Off Workers Not Doing Enough to Help Economy

February 14, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—With the DOW closing just above 7,850 on Friday, economists are predicting that the worst has yet to come. A mortgage crisis, depreciation of the dollar, and a failed economic policy by the Bush administration are largely to blame for tough economic conditions. With companies forced to cut down on spending, laying off workers was inevitable. Unemployment has reached its highest rate in years, 7.6%, that according to the United States Department of Labor. Spokesman for the Department of Labor,

Area 6th Grader Does More Work than NU Theatre Major

January 24, 2009 Nick Zessis

EVANSTON, IL – Chuck Davis, winner of Chute Middle School’s spelling bee and science fair, was honored yesterday for his hard work in school and dedication to the Evanston community. Chuck (age 11), along with four other local students, received the prestigious Young Achiever Award. He was surprised with the news during gym class, “I’ve really worked hard for this,” said Davis. “Those extra pre-algebra problems have really paid off.” Chuck’s résumé is impressive. His 4.0 GPA, involvement with several

Rev. Jessie Jackson Deems White League IM Sports “Racist”

January 24, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON—The Reverend Jessie Jackson was in the Evanston area this past week. He was impressed by the university, specifically the “demeanor and standard to which Northwestern students hold themselves.” His temperament soon changed, however, after learning of NU’s intramural sports. “They have a white league? That ain’t right,” Jackson clamored. The white league offers sports like hockey, soccer, and, of course, polo. It’s obvious to see why the league has no ethnic diversity. Non-Caucasians are not prohibited from participating. Their

Blagojevich Sells NU Kicker’s Foot to Mizzou

January 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Northwestern’s loss to Missouri in the Alamo Bowl has brought about criticism of the team’s kicker. After failing to kick a field goal and extra point, Mizzou was able to bring the game to overtime. Northwestern failed to match Mizzou’s touchdown, which gave NU its sixth straight bowl loss. There are some, however, who are not willing to blame only the NU kicker. Several Illinois politicians have accused Governor Rod Blagojevich of influencing Northwestern’s loss. Illinois State Representative