That Kid in the Front of Class Really Can Eat a Dick
Sucking a dick is just one of the many skills this wunderkind has mastered.
Author Archives: Ryan Franks
Report: Your PA was Drunk the Whole Time
Northwestern’s Alcohol ENU, long ignored by students, has recently come under fire for releasing a survey of PA drinking habits.
UChicago Frats Deny Racism, Point to Black Neighbors
“Yeah. We’re totes coolio with the blacks.”
BREAKING: Tech Doors
Despite universal acclaim from the two people who supported the measure, the news left most engineering students unhinged.
Math Department Finds Numbers Dwindling
Earlier today, the Northwestern mathematics department revealed that, due to budget shortfalls, funding for both mathematics research and mathematicians themselves would be cut.
Task Force Recommends 174 One-Day Quarters
“I’m already envisioning my morning routine. Wake up. Take a midterm. Brush my teeth, take a midterm. Shower. Take a midterm.”
Student Comes Out to Parents As SESP Transfer
With family weekend imminent, former engineer and freshman Cole Thompson finally came out to his parents as an SESP transfer. “I just had to—I couldn’t keep living a lie,” Cole said.
Freshman Thinks Bobb’s Full Name Is Robert
Sources indicate that although he had originally thought it was just named Bobb, he used the critical thinking skills that reportedly got him into Northwestern to deduce the dorm’s official name.