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Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated

February 15, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. “I’m not racist,” the teen said. “I just don’t think it’s fair that I worked so hard and still didn’t get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ‘60s were still in place, this never would’ve

Diaries of Ten ‘Bachelor’ Contestants Contain “Eerily Identical Narratives”

February 15, 2013 Bethany DeLong One comment

AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the “one true love of [her] life,” a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and “Live, Laugh, Love” mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The

Sherman Ave Contributor Nearly Misses Deadline; Can’t Stop Laughing at Own Dick Joke

February 15, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

A Valentine’s Day Poem

February 14, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

“I fucking hate Valentine’s Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. It’s much more fun to be a whore, That’s what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friend’s fake – I don’t know how much more I can take.

[Nostalgia Issue] A Retrospective from Your Forgotten Tamagotchi

February 14, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

THE BOX IN THE BACK CORNER UNDER YOUR BED — Salutations, my dear human. It’s been years since last we met, yet it was you who gave me life, so long ago, on the electronics aisle of Toys-R-Us. It was you whose jelly-covered fingers freed me from the confines of my tamago (that’s the Japanese word for egg, if you ever wondered) with just the press of an irritatingly small button. Nearly three lustra have elapsed since last you fed

[Nostalgia Issue] Where Are They Now: The Rugrats

February 13, 2013 Christian Hernandez Leave a comment

We all remember the Rugrats, those adventurous wild babes from the 90s. We knew them so well back then, but what have they done since then? The Flipside caught up with them to find out. Tommy: Tommy continues to be the leader he was back in his youth, and he is now the starting running back and a captain on Cal’s football team. He gets girls like none other and rages harder than anyone. He’s projected as a mid-third round

[Nostalgia Issue] Your Starving Neopets Spend Your Neopoints on Food, Wheel of Fortune

February 13, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEOPIA CENTRAL — Your Kacheek, Lupe, and Quiggle have raided The National Neopian Bank, demanding that the teller, a grumpy green Skeith, hand over ten thousand neopoints to pay for some food. Since you have not fed them in four years, your pets furiously went to Neopian Fresh Foods and purchased three leeks, a pteri kabob, and an apple juice for a total of 3,392 NP. Having satiated their hunger, your pets, named soccerKacheek1235, HarryPotterLupe-in, and MrQuigglekins, then decided to

[Nostalgia Issue] Student Incapable of Feeling Nostalgic For Memories, Only Pop Culture References

February 12, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Struck by a sudden fit of nostalgia while walking to class, Northwestern biology major Keith Catania fondly reminisced about his childhood infatuation with Pokémon Red, Beanie Babies, and The Land Before Time. Reports indicate that not even a single one of Catania’s wistful smiles was in remembrance of a shared human experience over the course of 21 years of life. “God I miss the 90s sooooo much!” Catania posted to Facebook upon arriving at class. The junior then opened an emulator

[Nostalgia Issue] Chet Haze Remembers When He Used to Hold All The Girls’ Hands

February 12, 2013 Sam Block One comment

I was so torn at recess, yo. There were always some pretty fine honeys with Malibu-Rum-smooth hands, gathered around the hopscotch court, but me, I was the gangSTAR-ass player of the kickball team.

[Nostalgia Issue] Where Are They Now: The Boxcar Children

February 11, 2013 Michael Coe Leave a comment

Few children today have not been touched by Gertrude Chandler Warner’s classic book series The Boxcar Children, which captures all the charm and adventure of being a parentless underage destitute living in an abandoned train car. Now, these timeless stories are being updated for a new generation with the release of the series The Boxcar Adults: Just Regular Homeless People. Penned by nameless ghostwriters, these books attempt to sustain the realism of the original series and preserve its relevance, by