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New Version of Auto-Tune Allows Male Pop Stars to Sound Like They Have Testicles

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SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles. The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity. Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a

Read more Entertainment, No. 41

NU Student Discovers His Shit Does Not Stink

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EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him. “I was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, ‘Hey, that’s weird’,” Simpson said. “So I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.” Simpson’s roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise. “For the first couple weeks, he just seemed

Read more Local, No. 41

NU Student on Innuendo Overuse – “Stop shoving it down my throat”

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EVANSTON—According to at least one Northwestern student, what you say is no longer what you mean. On a modern college campus, its seems that anything one says — no matter the topic, will be taken to be sexual in nature. Any statement, sentence, or phrase is assumed, at least by the more perverted members of the student body, to be referring to the act of making love and private parts. Thankfully, some students are just not going to take it

Read more Local, No. 40

Poster Sale Actually Cover-Up for More Construction at Norris

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EVANSTON—This past week’s poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall. “I was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,” claims Zucker, “but when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.” When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed

Read more Local, No. 41
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