Category Archives: No. 32

Anthropology Graduate Student Discovers Social Life

EVANSTON—In a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life. “I will not commit the error of overgeneralizing—often called the ‘ethnographic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke said, “but it appears they deploy this ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or

Jews Create Passover Lamb Mascot to Rival Easter Bunny

WILLIAMSBURG, NY—Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption. The contest to design the mascot

New ASB Sexual Tourism Trip Literally Serviced the Community

EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas. “We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able

Chicago Weather God: “I’m Just Fucking With You”

CHICAGO—For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe. What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.