We need to return to a simpler, better age: when the only social media was an army officer riding to your farm on horseback to tell you that your son was blown to bits by General Lee’s artillery at Gettysburg.
I knew from the moment that Mary Elizabeth first laid her greedy eyes on the fake pearl buttons on your trousers in Fort Laramie that a gold-sifter was about to enter our lives. In that moment, she realized she had found her ticket to all the wealth of the west, because she found the kind of buster that would spend a whole half-dollar on some pantaloons.
Just earlier this year, the mad man’s antics included creating
a device that would disable all electric vehicle batteries and force commuters to overload
Danville’s poor public transport systems, brainwashing pigeons into stealing people’s jewelry
and bringing it to him, and infecting the city’s water supply with cholera.
You can imagine the dismay I felt when I saw Clavicular having to gymcopemax after being auramogged by gymratmoids for only benching 135lbs.
You get a little too amorous with somebody in the passenger seat of a 2002 Subaru WRX outside of a Denny’s ONE TIME, and suddenly, it’s all you can ever be known for.
Flipside can now confirm that Jumpy, Flippy’s mischievous sidekick, was among the 10 Americans killed in the early morning hours of February 3rd, 1968.
Is your dih both classy and girthy? Does it have lots of wrinkles and loose skin? Consider naming it Neopolitan Mastiff!
ICED OUT, the newest novel by New York Times Best Selling Author Phoebe Horn, is expected to hit shelves across the nation later this week.
After the Chicago Bears’ brutal overtime loss to the Los Angeles Rams ruined their chances of advancing into the playoffs, the most diehard Bears fans–many of whom have not felt joy since 1985–concocted a scheme so crazy it might just work. On Monday, January 19th, just one day after the loss, Chicago’s 6th and 16th Wards approved a plan to forcefully facilitate the release of rapper Durk Devontay Banks from prison in exchange for his service in assassinating the Rams’
As the old adage goes, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will spearhead
the complete reconstruction of my political and social climate.”