Area Freshman Goes Home, Feels Smart Again
As she packed her bag to return to her rural Wisconsin home, sources report that she confided to a friend that she “feels insanely stupid” at Northwestern.
Category Archives: Featured
Willie the Wildcat: I’m William Now
“I felt that all the running on the football field and high-fiving everyone in sight was just a bit too childish for me. I believe it’s time to focus on more serious things.”
ISIS Claims Responsibility for Student’s Panic Attack
Social media accounts linked to the terrorist group posted a statement that in part read: “let this attack be a message to all infidels and pre-meds: no GPA is safe from our jihad!”
STUDY: No One Drunk Enough for RCB Formal
Following the annual Residential College Board’s Formal held at Chicago’s Children’s Museum, a recent study found that very few of the attendees had pre-gamed the event.
Governor Rauner Warms Hands by Fire of Burning Quran
“These Qurans sure burn hot and fast.”
BREAKING: C-Store Sushi Contains Traces of Fish
Authorities have preliminarily declared that the presence of fish in the sushi poses no danger to consumers, though Northwestern administration has already launched an investigation into possible implications.
Study: Everyone Best Friends with Their Roommates Except You
A recent study released by the Northwestern University Psychology Department shows conclusively for the first time that everyone but you is friends with their roommate.
Newt Gingrich Comes, Eats Hot Cookie Bar, Leaves
Gingrich didn’t say much, but he was seen taking a sizable scoop of soupy cookie dough from the Hot Cookie Bar, a classic favorite at Northwestern dining halls.
Mayor Tisdahl, Newt Gingrich Match on Tinder
According to multiple sources, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich have matched on Tinder.
Dorm Groundbreaking Uncovers Graveyard of Student Hopes and Dreams
The contractors in charge of the building project were unaware that they were building over this graveyard, a spot where students have been burying their hopes and dreams since the Cold War.