Local | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Local

Junkies Discover the Rock “Ain’t No Crack Rock”

November 2, 2011 Christian Hernandez Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Evanston junkies were outraged yesterday when they found out Northwestern University’s beloved Rock is, in fact, just a rock. A recent increase of recreational crack-cocaine users on the Northwestern University campus has stirred up some talk on campus. However with all the work, the cold settling in, and the football team unable to stop any team’s offence, their presence isn’t quite at the top of anyone’s worries list. It turns out the drug users have been flocking to

Kid With Beret Smoking Under Streetlight Tired of Accusations of Being French

October 28, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Auguste Rault has faced accusations of being French ever since he came to Northwestern University with a backpack full of baguettes and cigarettes in 2010. Rault, a sophomore French major, claims that this stereotyping is evidence of a culture of ignorance prevalent among “fat, American, spoiled” Northwestern students. Rault, while moodily chain-smoking in the pouring rain, explained that people question him about whether he is French almost weekly. “It’s almost as if a man can’t dwell on the

Freshman Participates in Dance Marathon, Gives Up After Two Miles

October 25, 2011 Steven Goldstein Leave a comment

CHICAGO – Clarence MacMillan, a member of the class of 2015, tried to complete last week’s Chicago marathon while dancing. The Weinberg freshman was seen fist-bumping and electric-sliding his way through the first two miles before a fellow contestant explained about what a complete asshole he looked like. “Everyone on Facebook was talking about signing up for Dance Marathon, I thought I would give it a shot,” he said. “They mentioned something about thirty hours, and like, come on bro,

Wisconsin Freshman Marvels at Homeless Man Masturbating on Purple Line

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder One comment

“Everyone pretty much ignored it, so I figured that it was normal. We don’t have that up north.”

Midterm to Test Freshmen’s Basic Human Skills

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder One comment

EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills. This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene. Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats

Morty’s Archnemesis City-Council-Man Once Again Threatens Northwestern

October 18, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.” Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate. Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be

First Midterms to Be Administered on Second Day of Classes Starting Winter 2012

October 17, 2011 Rosie Lai Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system. When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome

Survey Shows Majority of NU Students “Tired of This Bullshit”

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A study done by the Department of Psychology revealed that Northwestern students have increasingly “had it with this stupid fucking shit,” researcher Don Kranz said. In a sentiment brought about by “this whole goddamned mess,” it appears that Northwestern students are increasingly threatening to “say fuck it and go to state school.” “Every day, it’s just a constant shit blizzard, and it’s like I forgot my fucking boots, and I’m just wading through this giant shit storm,” an

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

October 17, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room and that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction.

Sexual Assault Awareness Group Receives 300K of Federal Money—Totally Not Suspicious

October 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

In a completely understandable move in the midst of the largest recession of the past seventy years, the US Federal Government gave $300,000 to Northwestern’s Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence. Spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, Paul Barts, commented that the use of the funds was absolutely, totally legitimate, as politicians and governmental workers never take bribes or keep people quiet with money. Joseph Gupta, the head of a campus group called United Conspiracy Theorists, says the money is