Incoming WCAS Freshman Aware of Desired Major
…And no…it’s not psychology….
Category Archives: Local
Student Discovered to Have Feigned Blindness to Gain Admission
Northwestern Remains a Need-Blind School EVANSTON—This Sunday, allegedly blind Weinberg freshman Dave White was found to be faking his condition. White reportedly fabricated the story in order to gain admittance to Northwestern on the basis of adding to a more diverse class. White’s roommate, Medill freshman Kevin Wu, discovered that it was all an act. “I noticed some weird things about the way he acted that made me suspect he wasn’t actually blind,” Wu says. “Sometimes I would catch him
Hobo Calls Big Bite Night “The Best Thing Ever”
EVANSTON—The City of Evanston’s annual restaurant fair attracted all types of foodies Sunday. Among them was Lucas Rogers, area transient, who praised the event as “totally awesome.” Rogers, who usually sets up camp outside the Papa John’s on Clark and Benson, left his post this Sunday to take six separate trips around the neighborhood for the event, hitting various stations with and without his hat to appear like a different person. “I admit, it’s a change from my usual fare:
Bienen Student Eyes Vuvuzela Performance Studies Major
EVANSTON—Amidst the drama of hundreds of undergraduates struggling to decide on a major to pursue, one brave sophomore sought solace in his newly-developed track of study. “I’ve been wanting to study the vuvuzela ever since I can remember,” Freddie Marks (Bienen ’13) droned. “I just think at this point in time, a degree in vuvuzela performance would be most beneficial to me and my family.” Northwestern is known for its program where students can design their own major if unsatisfied
Activities Fair Perfect Time to Brush Against Cute Girl’s Ass
EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.” Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved
Heroic Student Assassinates CAESAR
EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night. “Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.” He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush
Area Student Sexiled to Siberia
EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country. Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.” Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being
Dillo Day Issue: Confused Student Wears ACE Bandage for Nelly Set
EVANSTON—Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.” Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left
Dillo Day Issue: Top 10 Reasons Nelly Wears a Band-aid
He got hit when he let loose his “Pimp Juice” He wasn’t paying attention when the ump said “Batter Up” It got a little rough when she went over to “My Place” “Tip drill” gone bad “Ridin’” with an Axe Murderer Angry Redneck attacked him for correcting his “Country Grammar” Cut himself opening the only copy sold of “Brass Knuckles” To cover up the scuff mark when he was kicked in the face by some “Air Force Ones” Got a
Gender Studies Department Announces NU Teach-In Series’ New Game-Spitting Seminar
EVANSTON—A controversial new initiative sponsored by the Gender Studies department intends to revive customs long thought by intellectual heavyweights to be part and parcel of outmoded gender concepts. Though it may be difficult to imagine now, there was once a time when women had to fend off the attentions of men on campus, who would approach them, signal their interest, begin a conversation, and finally ask them out to some form of social gathering. The women, it was reported, would