Ecstasy Discovered in Hot Cookie Bar, Riots Ensue
It’s like “special” brownies, but the cookie version.
Category Archives: Local
SEED Lets Clothes Air-Dry; Global Warming Solved
EVANSTONâSEED, or Students for Ecological and Environmental Development, ended the problem of global warming Sunday, Oct. 10, by hanging up the laundry outside Norris University Center. âThis was a very unexpected result!â exclaimed SEED member Ann Temnoriv. âI think it had something to do with the fact that the clothes were hung up in the shape of a giant 350.â Dropping temperatures across the northern United States and Canada confirmed SEEDâs suspicion. In the last week alone, many Northwestern students
Bro Accidentally Correct in Calling Rainbow Week âTotally Gayâ
EVANSTONâIn an unwitting display of complete factual accuracy, a McCormick senior proclaimed that Rainbow Week was “gay” on Friday. Chad Block, a mid-forward on the Ultimate Frisbee team, was examining a Norris bulletin board when he made his truthful declaration. âMan, how gay is that shit?â he said to Joe âBrosephâ Leibowitz, a senior rugby hooker. Leibowitz was shocked. He commented that this is one of the first times heâs seen Block use vocabulary correctly. âHeâs not so good with
A New Way for Girls to “Fake It”
EVANSTONâIn high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand. This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. âNobody wants to be a girlâs first anymore,â said senior A.J. Thomson. âThat
Professors Fail to Satisfy Freshmen; Midterm Exams Deemed Premature
EVANSTONâHundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations. Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule. âItâs not fair,â moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. âjust as Iâm totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform
NU Student Discovers His Shit Does Not Stink
EVANSTONâAfter weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him. âI was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, âHey, thatâs weirdâ,â Simpson said. âSo I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.â Simpsonâs roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise. âFor the first couple weeks, he just seemed
NU Student on Innuendo Overuse – âStop shoving it down my throatâ
EVANSTONâAccording to at least one Northwestern student, what you say is no longer what you mean. On a modern college campus, its seems that anything one says — no matter the topic, will be taken to be sexual in nature. Any statement, sentence, or phrase is assumed, at least by the more perverted members of the student body, to be referring to the act of making love and private parts. Thankfully, some students are just not going to take it
Poster Sale Actually Cover-Up for More Construction at Norris
EVANSTONâThis past weekâs poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall. âI was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,â claims Zucker, âbut when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.â When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed
Incoming WCAS Freshman Aware of Desired Major
…And no…it’s not psychology….
Student Discovered to Have Feigned Blindness to Gain Admission
Northwestern Remains a Need-Blind School EVANSTONâThis Sunday, allegedly blind Weinberg freshman Dave White was found to be faking his condition. White reportedly fabricated the story in order to gain admittance to Northwestern on the basis of adding to a more diverse class. Whiteâs roommate, Medill freshman Kevin Wu, discovered that it was all an act. âI noticed some weird things about the way he acted that made me suspect he wasnât actually blind,â Wu says. âSometimes I would catch him