Category Archives: Local

Evanston Whole Foods to Become Retirement Home

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EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65. “I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”.

Read more Local, No. 34

Anthropology Graduate Student Discovers Social Life

EVANSTON—In a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life. “I will not commit the error of overgeneralizing—often called the ‘ethnographic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke said, “but it appears they deploy this ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or

Read more Local, No. 32, No. 33

New ASB Sexual Tourism Trip Literally Serviced the Community

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EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas. “We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able

Read more Local, No. 32

The Flipside is a Joke

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EVANSTON—Northwestern University has a long tradition of great journalism. The Daily Northwestern and North by Northwestern are models of professionalism and journalistic excellence. Yet there is one publication that is an embarrassment to the Northwestern community, journalism, paper, its staff, and their mothers: The Northwestern Flipside. To be blunt, The Flipside is a joke. The writing is a shameless mockery of the journalistic style that we as Northwestern students have come to expect. It’s like a bunch of people just

Read more Local, No. 31

Flipside Receives Medill F

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EVANSTON—After thorough fact-checking, Medill professors and administrators unanimously awarded The Flipside an “F” for its inordinate amount of factual errors. “The content was exceptional, but there is no such person at Northwestern as ‘Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson,’” said a concerned Medill professor, after reading an article which he thought would profile a very successful student. In a further, shocking investigation, it was uncovered that The Flipside has never quoted a real person. Every single quote is false. The publication’s president

Read more Local, No. 31

NU Students React to Tough University Sexile Policy

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EVANSTON—Several Northwestern University students said Thursday that they hold relaxed views about “sexiling,” a slang word used to describe the act of barring a roommate from entry into living quarters to ensure privacy for intimate relations. “I think people have common sense,” said Joana Smith, Medill freshman. “Text if you’re going to bring someone home.” In college campuses across the country, “sexiling” has become an issue. Tufts University recently created a policy outlawing students from having sex while roommates are

Read more Local, No. 31

The Flipside Recieves $100 to Further Unknown Publication

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EVANSTON—The Northwestern Associated Student Government and Student Groups Committee gave the widely unknown Northwestern Flipside a whopping $100 to assist in the printing of its satirical publication. Despite applying for the money guaranteed to them as a T-status group in May of 2009, the now pending B-status group has largely been ignored until now. “It’s not that we needed the money for anything important,” Nick Zessis, the President and founder of The Flipside, told The Flipside. “I mean, we weren’t

Read more Local, No. 31

Student Voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ Already Failing

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EVANSTON—Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.” In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best

Read more Local, No. 30, Year 2

UChicago Sends Rejected Applicants “Congratulation” Letters

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CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago. Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of

Read more Local, No. 30, Year 2

Student’s Facebook Mysteriously Undergoes Massive Changes All at Once

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EVANSTON—Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day. “I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.” “I’m gay now,” he posted right after. Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend

Read more Local, No. 29, Year 2
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