Category Archives: Local

Econ Major Learning About Prisoner’s Dilemma Again

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EVANSTON—Katherine Eisner, a Weinberg economics major, was dismayed to hear that she would be once again learning about the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma in her game theory class. “Great,” sighed an exasperated Eisner, “just great. I don’t think it stuck the first 12 times I learned it, but 13th time’s the charm, right?” “The Prisoner’s Dilemma is a fundamental and central example in the field of game theory,” explained Joan Docter, Eisner’s professor, “and it is impossible to proceed without first

Read more Local, No. 35

Area Student Rides Longboard; Arrested for Believing Himself Cool

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EVANSTON—Winston “Chet” Moscowitz was arrested shortly past noon on Friday for riding a longboard, when campus managed to tackle and subsequently subdue him, but not before fracturing two ribs. Police officer Daniel Lucerin commented on the incident: “When we see those kids on their skateboards, it’s not so much an issue of public safety. No, this is much more about knowing one’s place. There’s a hierarchy in place here. If chess-clubbers like Moscowitz thinks he’s cool, what next? Aspirations? Dreams?

Read more Local, No. 35

Team of Archaeologists to Find Rumored Einstein’s Bagels

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EVANSTON—Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. After much research and deliberation, a team of archaeologists has decided to make it their mission to find it. The legend of the Einstein Bros. Bagels has

Read more Local, No. 34

Evanston Whole Foods to Become Retirement Home

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EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65. “I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”.

Read more Local, No. 34

Anthropology Graduate Student Discovers Social Life

EVANSTON—In a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life. “I will not commit the error of overgeneralizing—often called the ‘ethnographic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke said, “but it appears they deploy this ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or

Read more Local, No. 32, No. 33

New ASB Sexual Tourism Trip Literally Serviced the Community

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EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas. “We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able

Read more Local, No. 32

The Flipside is a Joke

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EVANSTON—Northwestern University has a long tradition of great journalism. The Daily Northwestern and North by Northwestern are models of professionalism and journalistic excellence. Yet there is one publication that is an embarrassment to the Northwestern community, journalism, paper, its staff, and their mothers: The Northwestern Flipside. To be blunt, The Flipside is a joke. The writing is a shameless mockery of the journalistic style that we as Northwestern students have come to expect. It’s like a bunch of people just

Read more Local, No. 31

Flipside Receives Medill F

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EVANSTON—After thorough fact-checking, Medill professors and administrators unanimously awarded The Flipside an “F” for its inordinate amount of factual errors. “The content was exceptional, but there is no such person at Northwestern as ‘Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson,’” said a concerned Medill professor, after reading an article which he thought would profile a very successful student. In a further, shocking investigation, it was uncovered that The Flipside has never quoted a real person. Every single quote is false. The publication’s president

Read more Local, No. 31

NU Students React to Tough University Sexile Policy

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EVANSTON—Several Northwestern University students said Thursday that they hold relaxed views about “sexiling,” a slang word used to describe the act of barring a roommate from entry into living quarters to ensure privacy for intimate relations. “I think people have common sense,” said Joana Smith, Medill freshman. “Text if you’re going to bring someone home.” In college campuses across the country, “sexiling” has become an issue. Tufts University recently created a policy outlawing students from having sex while roommates are

Read more Local, No. 31

The Flipside Recieves $100 to Further Unknown Publication

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EVANSTON—The Northwestern Associated Student Government and Student Groups Committee gave the widely unknown Northwestern Flipside a whopping $100 to assist in the printing of its satirical publication. Despite applying for the money guaranteed to them as a T-status group in May of 2009, the now pending B-status group has largely been ignored until now. “It’s not that we needed the money for anything important,” Nick Zessis, the President and founder of The Flipside, told The Flipside. “I mean, we weren’t

Read more Local, No. 31
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