Category Archives: Local

Student Voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ Already Failing

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EVANSTON—Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.” In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best

Read more Local, No. 30, Year 2

UChicago Sends Rejected Applicants “Congratulation” Letters

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CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago. Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of

Read more Local, No. 30, Year 2

Student’s Facebook Mysteriously Undergoes Massive Changes All at Once

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EVANSTON—Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day. “I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.” “I’m gay now,” he posted right after. Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend

Read more Local, No. 29, Year 2

NU Unveils Updated iPhone App, Enables Direct Chat With Morty

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EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features. “Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman. “Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative

Read more Local, No. 28, Sci/Tech

Medill 2030 Shifts Focus to Students Pursuing Other More Profitable Careers

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EVANSTON—With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world. Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available. “We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be

Read more Local, No. 28

NU Emergency Notifications Drunk-Texts NU Student Body

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EVANSTON—WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.” Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed

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Anchorman Quotation Reaches Millionth Out-of-Context Use

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EVANSTON—As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

Marine Biologist: Two Flippers Way Down for “Dolphin Show”

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EVANSTON—After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers. The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

Freezing Cold Weather Returns; Environmentalists Rejoice

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EVANSTON—Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather. “We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.” Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s. “Seriously, we were freaking out about global

Read more Issue 26, Local, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Econ Major Drops out of Ethics Course

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EVANSTON—When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?” The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the

Read more Business, Issue 25, Local, Year 2
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