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Category Archives: Local

NU Unveils Updated iPhone App, Enables Direct Chat With Morty

February 20, 2010 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features. “Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman. “Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative

Medill 2030 Shifts Focus to Students Pursuing Other More Profitable Careers

February 20, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world. Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available. “We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be

NU Emergency Notifications Drunk-Texts NU Student Body

February 6, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.” Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed

Anchorman Quotation Reaches Millionth Out-of-Context Use

February 1, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

Marine Biologist: Two Flippers Way Down for “Dolphin Show”

February 1, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers. The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

Freezing Cold Weather Returns; Environmentalists Rejoice

February 1, 2010 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather. “We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.” Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s. “Seriously, we were freaking out about global

Read more Issue 26, Local, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Econ Major Drops out of Ethics Course

January 20, 2010 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON—When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?” The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the

Read more Business, Issue 25, Local, Year 2

Walking Paradox Buys Diet Energy Drink

January 20, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

TOPEKA, KS – Tammi Daniels, Kansas native and breathing contradiction, purchased a Diet Rockstar energy drink on Thursday. Sources close to Ms. Daniels confirm the beverage’s branding suits her extreme life of excess to which no rules apply except for watching her figure. Daniels, an active Republican, further added a kiss of irony to her day by consuming the drink while discussing tax breaks for small businesses after having purchased it at Wal-Mart, a leader in crushing local family-owned enterprises.

Stoned Jaywalker Leads NU Students into Oncoming Traffic

January 13, 2010 Michael Anders Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore

Elderly Iowan Somehow Expert on Al-Qaeda

January 13, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda. Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table. Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of