Category Archives: Local

Northwestern Student’s Unique Accommodation: “I’m Allergic To Any Dorms That Don’t Rhyme With Kincoln Or Lemper”

Northwestern prides itself on being very accessible and accommodating students’ needs, no matter what they are. However, one student’s recent accommodation has administration racing to research this unique condition. “I’m allergic to any dorms that don’t rhyme with Kincoln or Lemper,” a rising sophomore claimed. The student further explained that he needs to be placed in dorms that specifically fit this designation, or else there would be serious consequences. “I would probably spontaneously combust,” the student said, when asked what

Op-Ed: I Found Out Dance Marathon Wasn’t An Actual Marathon AFTER Doing The Cha-Cha Slide For 26.2 Miles

It wasn’t easy. Sometimes, I felt my elbows revert to jogging elbows. But I re-focused and got back into my rhythm every time. I had some other struggles when I reached Chicago, such as bumping into people when I followed the lyrics of “slide to the left.” I felt self-conscious when I had to clap my hands in rapid succession – people definitely stared. Yet, through all those trials and tribulations, I persevered. When I completed those 26.2 miles, I cried tears of joy.

RETROSPECTIVE: The Brutal Reign of Despot Tyrant Xanthe Brown

“It vill [sic] be the start of something new,” an anonymous source close to the president (herein called Kizzy Illian) shared. “My comrades and I seek the liberation of all members of the Flipside and Northwestern at large; and with support from those directly involved with the Supreme Leader, we believe she will be ousted summarily.”

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