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NU Students “Just Have Too Much Going on Right Now” to Riot

April 26, 2013 Eric Vanchieri Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern students took to the streets on Thursday after hearing that “Dillo Day,” a cherished drinking and musical school tradition, had been canceled by the City of Evanston. Evanston officials cited the celebration’s notorious reputation for “buffoonery, hooliganism, and excessive levels of smiling,” and added that “New Brunswick had done basically the same thing at Rutgers,” and they certainly weren’t “going to let New Jersey be more civilized.” “OMG Evanston cancelled Dillo?!? Let’s riot! #tisdahlsucks #takebackdillo” tweeted Weinberg

Congress Responds to Boston Explosions: “We Need More Bombs”

April 25, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. “Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need

Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success

April 24, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. “The field hockey team, like, never loses,” said Toussmann. “It’s the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, ‘Gioco a hockey su prato’—‘I play field hockey’—I was all like, ‘Oh mio dio! Questo è fantastico! Congratulazioni!’”

Comm Majors Pass Art Class, Flipside Obtains Syllabus to Find Out How

April 23, 2013 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

Reports indicate that Communications majors are passing art classes with ease. The Northwestern Flipside has obtained a copy of a typical art department class syllabus to investigate how on earth this could possibly occur. The syllabus has been reprinted verbatim below. Week 1: Discuss our favorite feelings, textures. Be prepared to explain the last time you cried. Homework: Spend 30 minutes exploring your heart, and then spend 30 minutes drawing mindlessly. Week 2: History of famous artists. You are allowed

CNN Planning Terrorist Attack to Ensure They Get the Facts Right This Time

April 22, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time. According to verified sources

Obituary: Lilly Pulitzer’s Death Leaves Void Unfillable Except by Flowers and Pink Pants

April 20, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

Sorority girls, grandmothers, and Kennedys everywhere are mourning the loss of iconic fashion designer Lilly Pulitzer, who died last week at age 81. The “Queen of Prep” had such a widespread cultural impact that it can be difficult to imagine a world without her. How else could housewives somewhat justifiably spend $118 on scarves? What would eighth grade girls in Connecticut wear to their middle school graduations? And where would the modern world be without the creation of prints such

ASG Candidates Blame Loss on Poor Weather, Low Turnout

April 19, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — According to inside sources, ASG presidential candidates were disappointed that poor election day weather led to low voter turnout. Candidate Aaron Zelikovich has claimed that cold weather, accompanied by snow flurries, half-frozen rain, and “good ol’ fashioned Midwestern hail,” deterred many who would have otherwise gone out and voted for him. Similarly, political strategists for David Harris and Jo Lee were adamant that had the weather been better, voter turnout amongst seniors, who traditionally support candidates with their

Class of 2017 Holds Most Diverse Group of White People in NU History

April 18, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

“This is truly a remarkable feat by our admissions office, and I couldn’t be prouder of the group we assembled,” said Christopher Watson, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions. “We have new students hailing from the suburbs of Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago.”

Point/Counterpoint: “Should I Raise Tuition?”

April 17, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Guest contributor Morton Owen Schapiro argues that yes, raising tuition is an unfortunate necessity in today’s economic climate, while Morty Schapiro counters that HELL YES, have you SEEN the prices for these FUCKING FLOWERS?!?

Model UN Shows High School Students What the Real UN Is Like

April 15, 2013 Min Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — This weekend, several high school students from the Midwest arrived at Northwestern University to hold mock United Nations meetings and discuss global issues. “We hoped to give these students a better understanding of the powers and responsibilities of the UN,” said Northwestern Model UN’s President, Andrew Tyson. Tyson added that it was a rousing success. However, some students were upset by weekend’s proceedings. “We couldn’t get anything resolved,” commented Frank Wu, a student delegate from Deerfield. “I never