Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

Bayer Resumes Production of Zyklon B

April 4, 2013 Flippy One comment

LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have

Jay Cutler Announces Early Retirement, to Pursue Dream Career in Investment Banking

April 3, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference. “It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.” Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL

Thoughts on Hugo Chavez from Other Dictators and Martin Scorsese

March 15, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

Fidel Castro – Hugo was a dear comrade of mine in the struggle against the tyranny of the United States. I recall many a time when he would come to Cuba for “cancer treatment,” and we would demonize the rich for hours.

The Five Kinds of People You Meet in Mudd Library

March 14, 2013 Eric Vanchieri Leave a comment

With finals approaching, it is best to be prepared for all the students you will encounter when you return to the library for the first time since your last round of finals. The Flipside has therefore prepared a guide to dealing with the diverse students who frequent Mudd Library. The Ninja: He scowls when you breathe too loudly. He is furious when you crinkle your granola bar wrapper. He will death stare you for typing too loudly. This is his

Anti-Doping Administration Tests Third Graders at Oshkosh Spelling Bee, Kickball Tournament

March 13, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

OSHKOSH, WI — After running a full battery of tests on competitors at the World Ice Fishing Championship at the Big Eau Pleine Reservoir near Wausua, Wisconsin last week, World Anti-Doping Agency officials made a trip two hours southeast to the Oshkosh Elementary School Third Grade Spelling Bee to test contestants for a similar array of performance enhancing substances. “For a long time, we figured the only athletes who would use performance enhancing drugs would be like, you know, actual

Dennis Rodman Mourns The Loss of Lifelong Friend Hugo Chavez

March 12, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

CARACAS, VENEZUELA — Former NBA star Dennis Rodman teared up earlier today during a press conference, revealing the deep personal connections he had with the late Hugo Chavez, the former President of Venezuela. “I’m at a loss for words right now,” Rodman said between sniffles. “I used to travel to Venezuela every summer so Hugo and I could play golf. He was a great leader, and more importantly a great friend.” Chavez and Rodman’s relationship was based on a deep

My Angry Feminist Roommate Is Totally Psyched about Sandra Fluke

March 11, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

By My Angry Feminist Roommate OH. EM. GEE. You guys (actually, that phrase is SO non-gender-neutral and totally misogynistic). You students, both female and male, who happen to be reading this well-informed and non-biased feature, Sandra Fluke is here. At Northwestern. OMG. She’s here RIGHT. NOW. Like I’m literally in the second row of Fisk 217 and I can see her. It’s like I’m BATHING in women’s liberation. I’m more excited than a gay stoner enjoying Denver’s most charming all-you-can-eat

Daylight Saving Time Fucks Up Dance Marathon

March 10, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A riot erupted during Block Ten of Northwestern’s 39th annual Dance Marathon after the sleep-deprived emcees announced that the final block would be extended by an hour due to Daylight Saving Time. Daylight Saving Time, when clocks move forward an hour on the second Sunday of March, caused Dancer Relations to miscount the amount of time remaining in the thirty-hour charity event. “At first I thought I was just disillusioned from the lack of sleep,” said first time

Sororities Add “Pledge Stepdad” to Pledge Families

March 9, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The umbrella organizations responsible for Greek life at Northwestern, IFC, MGC, NPHC, and PHA, announced in a joint statement this morning that they will be adding one more role to the nuclear pledge family unit. “In addition to the traditional roles of pledge parents, children, and siblings, the new role of the pledge stepdad will be integrated in to the already rich structure of our Greek life organizations,” said Anita Jackson, spokeswoman for the Panhellenic Association. According to

Flipside Investigation Discovers that “Brogurt” Contains Horse Meat

March 8, 2013 Allison Ortega Leave a comment

MIAMI BEACH, FL — It’s no secret that Greek yogurt is popular among women; just ask any yoga-pant-clad sorority girl on campus and she’ll, like, totally confirm. Yogurt is chock full of vitamins and calcium that help maintain a healthy diet, but marketers sensed a gaping demographic disparity in the yogurt market and recently announced the launch of a new product catering to men. Powerful Yogurt, nicknamed Brogurt, hit grocery store shelves last week in an attempt to target guys