Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

NU to Promote Diversity on CAESAR, Change System’s Name to “SACAGAWEA”

March 5, 2013 Allison Ortega Leave a comment

EVANSTON — After considering the exorbitant amount of time each Northwestern student spends on CAESAR attempting to register for classes every quarter, administrators at Northwestern thought the online portal would be the perfect place to continue their push for campus diversity. Northwestern officials have not yet provided any specific plans about how they will make CAESAR more diverse, so The Flipside has constructed a list of suggestions on how to proceed. 1. Rename CAESAR “SACAGAWEA” – Trust us, there are

Obama Puzzled That Republicans Didn’t Compromise to Avoid Getting Exactly What They Wanted

March 5, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What

Pope Emeritus Relieved to Give up Teaching Sunday School, Focus on Research

March 4, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — Thursday, February 28th marked a monumental day for the Roman Catholic Church, as Pope Benedict XVI switched his red loafers for burgundy and became the first Pope to cede the papacy since the Middle Ages. Prior to his official retirement, the College of Cardinals voted to award Benedict with honorary title of Pope Emeritus, to which Benedict responded, “It’s the least they could do, but I’ll take it. The whole time I was Pope, those tightwads in

What Do You Think about BJ Novak, A&O’s Winter Speaker?

March 3, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

“BJ…lol.”

Cop Gets Denied at the Door of Tappa Tappa Keg

March 3, 2013 Ben Castleman Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Police officer Bob Hankervich went to the frat quad this previous Saturday night to investigate reports of underage drinking. As he walked up the stairs to the frat in question, Tappa Tappa Keg junior George Kerry got ready to deny another dweeb. The cop approached Kerry assuming he would step aside, but instead he stood firmly in front of the door and offered a “what’s up bro?” with an introductory head nod. According to Northwestern Police records, Hankervich

Snooki, Chef Boyardee, and Pope Benedict XVI to Star in The Real World: Rome

March 2, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome. New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what

Vatican Levels Playing Field by Instituting Affirmative Action in Pope Election

March 1, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide. The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When

New Sorority Freshman Gains “Pledge Baby 15”

February 28, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

BOBB SECOND FLOOR BATHROOM — Following a Pledge Mom week filled with candy and cookie surprises, Omega Tau Mu freshman Courtney Fields found herself staring at the bathroom mirror, moaning and sobbing. All week, Fields posted pictures of her awesome gifts to Facebook all with captions such as, “LOVEEE my Pledge Mama whoeva you are <3!!!” Recently, however, Fields changed her tone, posting a picture of her love handles with the caption, “Fuck you.” Her recent weight gain has really

Rides in Planned Abbottabad Amusement Park Include “Dick Cheney’s Water Board Adventure”

February 27, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN — The world was stunned last week when the Pakistani government announced its plans to fund a $30 million amusement park in the small military town where Osama Bin Laden was killed. Yesterday, the Pakistani Department of the Interior released more details about the park, including the park’s main attractions, which are printed below: Osama’s Fun Compound – Combining elements of both carnival fun houses and Halloween haunted houses, visitors will be able to explore a reconstructed version

What Do You Think About No One Attending the ASG Open Forum?

February 26, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

“That’s too bad. It would have been interesting to hear what the student body thought about ASG’s plans to divest from the panda fur coat industry.”