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Class of 2015 Facebook Page Causes Mass Confusion

October 5, 2011 Kaitlin Hansen Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The relatively late start of fall quarter caused not only boredom, anxiety, and a head start on the Freshman Fifteen, but it also inspired incoming freshmen to let out their bottled emotions through the help of the “Northwestern University Class of 2015” Facebook page. This led to seemingly bizarre and embarrassing posts that forced freshmen to worry about the sanity of their classmates. Worry not, Class of 2015! Here is an abridged translation guide that might clear up

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Hundreds of Freshmen Play Essential NU Drinking Game

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Freshmen passed out in droves at this year’s Wildcat Welcome, and campus administrators suspect that some type of drinking game was afoot during the lecture. Stacy Herman, the event coordinator, said the drinking game had a simple premise. “The fact of the matter is that taking a shot every time we said ‘peer pressure,’ ‘disappointment,’ or ‘started failing all my classes’ is a complete disappointment to the University and a very clear cave-in to peer pressure. I would

Read more Local, No. 62

Texas Inmates Breathe Sigh Of Relief As Perry Helps Them Shave Off Pounds

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder One comment

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Standing like a triumphant Davy Crockett outside the most historical, revered building in all of the great nation of Texas, with the Denny’s sign brilliantly aglow behind his coifed locks, Governor Rick Perry spoke about his new plan to cut last meals for death row inmates. “No more will we have to bear the brunt of ragamuffin, tarnation-filled, yellow-bellied allegations that Texans are overweight. These inmates just have to learn to cut back.” Despite some uproar

Evanston City Officials Hold 2,000 Northwestern Students Hostage

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“If I knew I had to deal with this much bullshit,” wrote Weinberg senior Jon Blinderman on a bloody Bob Marley shirt, “I would have gone Greek.”

Read more Local, No. 62

New Cognitive Disease Causes Millions To Use Hashtags, Annoys Billions Of Others

October 5, 2011 Lauren Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichés at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness. “Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how

Girl Who Said She “Would Die Without Her Phone” Apparently Not Kidding Around

October 4, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag. Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No

Read more Local, No. 62

Dillo day BOB with some BYOB you know what it is

May 25, 2011 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect. There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us. There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun Guess which one dillo day is? Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit. So today is chill and all with all the bands. The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed. I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography)

Freshman Too Drunk to Find Dillo Day

May 25, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill. “There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music

Local Student’s Dillo Day Lineup Includes Kids from High School He Didn’t Want to See

May 25, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is. They’ll act

Dillo Day Canceled After B.o.B Unexpectedly Raptured

May 25, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.