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73% Find Sorority Preview “Terrifying”

November 11, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – According to a study performed by the Psychology Department at Northwestern University on Tuesday, 73% of participating freshmen were “absolutely terrified” by sorority recruitment preview. “It’s really understandable,” Panhellenic Council President Sarah Borges commented. “Six hours of inane small talk, uncomfortable fashion, and tightly-stretched fake smiles? It’s a lot like Dante’s fourth circle of Hell.” Following this Saturday’s six-hour marathon of lightning rounds of frivolous chitchat, outdated traditions like door chants, and judgmental looks over awkwardly eaten food

Live Tweeting From Lupe, Matt and Kim

November 11, 2011 Laken Howard Leave a comment

This article was purposefully left unedited. “bout to get #whitegirlwasted” “Wating in line for this bus omf it’s cold as shit y is it so cold uagg” “I shouldn’t hav drank al that win lololololol” “”maybe I should just put my camera up my vagina” @maria_fd9 hahaahhahah #kinkybitch” “I know exactly 2 lupe and 2 m&k songs. Let’s hope they just play them the whole time” “OMG ITS FUCKIN COLD LET US N LUPE” “My nipples are going to be

NU Cuisine Launches New Breakfast Slogan: “The Best $10 Bagel You’ll Ever Eat!”

November 11, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an attempt to increase dining hall attendance during the 7:30-11:00 breakfast period, NU Cuisine has hired a new PR team to revamp the image of the meal without actually spending any money to improve it. “We’ve received a lot of complaints,” Allison dining hall manager Chris Hynde told me as we sat down for a shockingly expensive breakfast of greasy hash browns, stale Rice Krispies, and watery coffee. “A lot of students feel that a roughly ten-dollar

Asian Parents Disappointed that Rice Game Was about Football

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle One comment

Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Area Girl Skips Pretense, Just Dresses as a Slut

November 2, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

While her friends decided to go as traditional sexy characters like naughty nurses and French maids or wear nonsensical sexy inanimate object costumes, like a sexy Mrs. Potato Head or a slutty pumpkin, Engel made the bold decision to just go as a slut.

Autopsy reveals Gaddafi died after tripping over his own name

November 2, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

TRIPOLI – An autopsy performed on the body of Muammar Gaddafi revealed that the former Libyan premier died not from a gunshot wound as was originally believed but instead from blunt force trauma sustained when he tripped over the spelling of his own name. He promptly went tumbling down the stairs in his Sirte safe house, causing internal injuries from which he would not recover. One of Gaddafi’s right hand men, Tarek Al-Abgari, confirmed this finding. “He was just standing

Junkies Discover the Rock “Ain’t No Crack Rock”

November 2, 2011 Christian Hernandez Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Evanston junkies were outraged yesterday when they found out Northwestern University’s beloved Rock is, in fact, just a rock. A recent increase of recreational crack-cocaine users on the Northwestern University campus has stirred up some talk on campus. However with all the work, the cold settling in, and the football team unable to stop any team’s offence, their presence isn’t quite at the top of anyone’s worries list. It turns out the drug users have been flocking to

10 Points for Hufflepuff: A Magical Account of a Freshman’s Halloween Night

November 2, 2011 Gideon Resnick Leave a comment

The following document was discovered on the bathroom floor of the North-Mid Quads Hall on the morning of November 1, 2011. Written in a hurried scrawl on parchment, our editors did their best to decipher the piece, allegedly written after the local Psi-Phi Fraternity’s themed party: I think the scar really did the trick. Through the glow of the club lights, I could tell Beth was down for some snogging. We locked eyes from across the room, she in her

Occupy Oakland Moves to San Francisco

October 31, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

“We’re out here protesting for real American jobs, not Oakland jobs.”

“Joe the Plumber” Launches Presidential Bid; Rick Perry Still Dumbest GOP Candidate

October 29, 2011 Killian Young Leave a comment

TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election. John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.” One political commentator pointed out that an