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ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure

November 18, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Hunter Loves Meeting, Killing Celebrities

November 18, 2009 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities. “It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Lack of Brains Ensures Safety of Jersey Shore Cast

November 18, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No. 46

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Survival Guide: Don’t let them get you, at NU

November 18, 2009 Charlotte Pattison Leave a comment

An Open Letter to the Remaining Uninfected Northwestern Student Body: We all knew this day would come, and finally it’s here. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and for those that didn’t think to prepare in advance and complete the optional Essential NU online zombie training course, we have complied a brief guide to protect those brains you’re spending so much money to educate. Preparation/Training: If you have time before the zombies reach your dorm, break through the barriers on

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Apocalypse Happens, Joan Rivers Somehow Not Infected

November 18, 2009 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD – The Zombie Apocalypse appears to have finally occurred, yet at least one human will make it out alive. Joan Rivers, the television personality and actress, is reportedly in good health and spirits following the zombie epidemic.

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Compassionate Zombie Exiled By Peers, Not Allowed to Play Kickbrain

November 18, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

Zombie 1008 has faced untold of isolation for his extremely sensitive views on brain-eating etiquette, puppy killing and zombie baptisms. “We knew from the day he was infected he was something different,” said his blood father, #873. “We just didn’t know that different meant ‘having a heart’ instead of wanting to eat them.” 1008 likes to spend his days by the toxic green river, staring at his reflection and pondering the beauty of his molding flesh. Some have even reported that

ZOMBIE ISSUE: A Zombie’s Struggle

November 18, 2009 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

Let’s not forget which race nearly elected a crazy masturbating witch and continues to pay attention to the Jersey Shore.

Security Alert: Polar Bear Spotted on Lakefill

November 16, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

On the evening of Friday, November 13 at approximately 8:00 PM, multiple Northwestern students reported seeing a polar bear climb out of a mysterious and previously unnoticed hatch on the Lakefill. The students, who were leaving a “Lost” fan club meeting in Norris, reported seeing the subject leave the hatch and run north along the lake. There have been no further sightings of the subject, described as being a 500 lb. white male about six feet in length. Further investigation

Sesame Street Turns Forty, Still Playing with Children

November 16, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

CHICAGO—This week, Sesame Street, which brought America wonderful things like “The Letter W” and “The Number 9,” is over the hill. The beloved television program planned to celebrate its 40th birthday with cake and parties until Sharon Kim began to questions its involvement with children. “It’s just not right, a 40-year-old playing with children in dark alleyways,” stated the mother of three. Kim’s comments have drawn interest from parent organizations all over the country, and Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Year 2

Misspelling of Lunt Hall Leads to Indignation, Violence from Women’s Rights Groups

November 16, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A riot broke out on Wednesday the 11th as a typo in a local paper mistakenly misspelled the name of the Northwestern mathematics building, Lunt Hall. By accidentally substituting a single poorly-placed consonant for the “L”, writer Edward McGlonin inadvertently plunged himself into a tumultuous hell of incensed women’s rights groups, gleefully inebriated fraternity patrons, and everyone in between. When asked about the incident, McGlonin stated that “the low lighting [conditions] made the two letters look exactly the same” although