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U.S. Military Invents Gaydar: Please Don’t Ask or Tell About it

January 20, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected. From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location

Econ Major Drops out of Ethics Course

January 20, 2010 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON—When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?” The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the

Read more Business, Issue 25, Local, Year 2

Taco Bell Comes Out With New Seven-Layer Diet Burrito

January 20, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

IRVINE, CA—Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito. “The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder. The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer

‘Snooki’ Denied Role as Oompa Loompa in Wonka remake

January 20, 2010 Chase Sund Leave a comment

JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro

Read more Entertainment, Issue 25, Year 2

Walking Paradox Buys Diet Energy Drink

January 20, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

TOPEKA, KS – Tammi Daniels, Kansas native and breathing contradiction, purchased a Diet Rockstar energy drink on Thursday. Sources close to Ms. Daniels confirm the beverage’s branding suits her extreme life of excess to which no rules apply except for watching her figure. Daniels, an active Republican, further added a kiss of irony to her day by consuming the drink while discussing tax breaks for small businesses after having purchased it at Wal-Mart, a leader in crushing local family-owned enterprises.

Stoned Jaywalker Leads NU Students into Oncoming Traffic

January 13, 2010 Michael Anders Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore

Throughout History, People have Begun Essays with Grand Generalizations

January 13, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.

Elderly Iowan Somehow Expert on Al-Qaeda

January 13, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda. Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table. Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of

Kid Who Checks Cell Phone Clearly Cooler Than You

January 13, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular. “Think about it,” said Nick Kite, “When you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.” “And don’t get me started about how many Facebook friends I have” added Kite. When meeting somebody

Theta Sophomore: “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours”

January 13, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Alarmed when she realized that she had neglected her plants on the Facebook application “Farmville,” Weinberg junior Mary Kate’s frustrated screams were taken out-of-context after being heard in the quad. “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours!” Kate shouted angrily. A member of Phi Mu Alpha (Northwestern’s music fraternity) happened to be walking by the Theta house when he heard Kate’s exclamation. He quickly posted the quote as his Facebook status, starting a snowball effect that quickly lost