Weinberg senior Julia Zorn, Huffās tour guide, was so distracted she only reminded her group that Northwestern is a āworld-class institutionā eight times instead of the required nine.
Hey guys! Sorry, Iām little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesnāt even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I canāt even tell you. (Except Iām going to tell you.) So me and my bros were just chilling when my ārents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, letās get schwasty.”
Ugh. I could totally get in here. This is dumb. I donāt even know why you would want to come to school here. Like Willie the Wildcat? Seriously? Dumb. This place is probably full of UChicago rejects. My (insert standardized state tests here) scores were in the 99th percentile. I got a letter from the Governor, the actual Governor of (insert state with said standardized test here). Northwestern would be my super safety. Iām the smart one. Mom told me.
“He insisted on going to as many frat parties as he could, and even suggested starting a Racist Beer Olympics in my dorm,ā said the prospieās overnight host, John Altman.