Paramedics Rush Ryan Field Following Concussion, Put in Time-Out for Interrupting Football Game

After Northwestern quarterback Arthur Braun suffered a concussion during a November 6th game against Iowa, paramedics immediately stormed Ryan Field. As they attempted to carry the injured player away on a stretcher, however, NUPD halted their efforts and gave them a stern talking to. After the altercation, NUPD Chief Stew Pidphock sentenced the intrusive medical professionals to an indefinite time-out outside of the stadium.

            “Makes me sick that they think the quality of that boy’s skull is more important than football,” Pidphock said. “This whole generation is just a bunch of snowflakes. If I’d known people were so disrespectful and inconsiderate, I would’ve picked a different career.”

            The spectators were just as impatient as the police. One such spectator, Mark Balls  ran down to the field to voice his discontentment with the paramedics.

            “Who the hell do they think they are?” Balls said. “They think they can just run onto the field whenever they want to? We were in the middle of such a clean loss! Why should I give a shit about the welfare of the students, I just wanna see the big boys throw the brown ball around!”

            Northwestern’s Vice President of Student Affairs, Julie Payne-Kirchmeier, sent out a university-wide email regarding the events only a few days later, doubling down on the university’s condemnation of the paramedics’ actions. 

            “If they insist on keeping the students’ heads intact, they may do so,” Kirchmeier wrote. “But they must do so in a way convenient to the patrons of the game, whose need to watch the big boys throw the brown ball around greatly outweighs the needs of the injured and disenfranchised.”

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