Paramedics Rush Ryan Field Following Concussion, Put in Time-Out for Interrupting Football Game
“Makes me sick that they think the quality of that boy’s skull is more important than football”
Tag Archives: NUPD
Mayfest: “We’ll Just Throw Drunk People in the Lake, OK??”
“After the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each person’s Wildcard information and send them home.”
Vines Whale at Dillo Actually Just ETHS Student Looking to Cop Some Beer
The whale was reportedly seen going up to students, taking pictures with them, then asking, “you got some booze I can bum off you,” in the deepest voice he could muster.
Northwestern Vineyard Vines Cartel Encroaches on Patagonia Territory
Per University policy, a travel advisory is in effect for large portions of the frat quad. Students are warned that accepting any free merchandise may result in violence. Last week, Trent Chadwick, WCAS ’21, was found stripped and bound outside of SPAC with a crude mountain range spray painted on his chest.
Bait Unicycle Not as Effective as Hoped
“After pumping hundreds of thousands of dollars into the Bait Unicycle program, it remains to be proven that it has caught one person trying to steal a dweeb-mobile.”
Student Beaten to Death in Main Library After Opening Fifth Bag of Fritos
“The poor sucker should have recognized that by the fifth bag, people weren’t going to deal with it anymore.”
Primal Scream Occurs Early This Year on National Boyfriend Day
The police report revealed countless moans of varying pitches and intensities accompanied by loud banging around 9 PM on Tuesday.
NU Cop Talks Student Down from Trying to Study at the Lakefill
“You tell yourself that you’ll be different. That you can break the mold and keep studying.” he added. “But I’ve got news for everyone out there: you’re wrong. Don’t become another statistic.”
NUPD Recorded Beating Protesters with Sacks of Pepsi
“When I saw those protesters being beaten up by the NUPD with brown sacks filled with cans of Pepsi, all I could do was wonder how the delicious and refreshing taste of Pepsi could be used for such evil.”
NUPD to Upgrade Ninja Monkey Outside Allison
Sources indicated that NUPD has enough money saved up from multiple years of not upgrading their monkeys.