BREAKING: Pete Davidson Now Dating God, States: “She’s Fine In Bed, I Guess”
After declaring that “Supermodels and A-listers just… aren’t doing it for me anymore,” while wearing an alluring lilac bucket hat, comedian and actor Pete Davidson has moved on to his next conquest:. God.
*In light of these events, the Flipside is proud to be the first to say with certainty that, in the words of Davidson’s ex, God is, in fact, a woman.
Davidson was allegedly spotted ascending into the clouds of Central Park by local passersby. He was soon after found emerging from a burning bush nearby, hair ruffled and a casual smirk across his face. It appears Davidson has turned to the divine in his quest for love. When asked to comment, the stand-up comic maintained that a gentleman “never bangs our Lord and tells… but between you and me, I give her a 7 out of 10.”
Over the past few years, Pete Davidson has shocked America in a rizzing rampage throughout Hollywood, targeting the likes of Ariana Grande, Kim Kardashian, and Emily Ratajkowski. The comedian’s journey has brought an inspiring message of hope to decrepit heroin addicts and sleep-deprived hobgoblins everywhere, who have adopted the slogan, “If he can pull Ari, I can too!”
The Catholic Church, among others, has moved to contact Davidson with job offers, including for the role of Prophet and Pope, and Jewish temples everywhere are speculating whether their Messiah has finally arrived. Flipside has reached out to God for comment via carrier pigeon. God’s manager, St. Peter, has asked for privacy at this moment in time.