BREAKING: Scientists Confirm Nicotine Addictions Actually Do Count Regardless of Whether or Not You’ve Just Come Back From Study Abroad
Yesterday, Northwestern junior Emily-Anne Smith, who recently returned from her fall quarter in Paris, was seen stress-smoking a cigarette outside of Searle. In a tragic turn of events, her doctor cited a recent scientific report which concluded that smoking addictions actually do count: regardless of whether you’ve just come back from study abroad.
Smith originally went to the doctor to complain about shortness of breath, convinced it was due to the cold Chicago weather. She was appalled to learn that her sexy and mysterious habit of chain-smoking cigarettes outside of bars and Tech was the true cause of her ailment.
“Everyone in Paris is so chic,” Smith explained, “So when you see them smoke, you just assume it must be good for you. Like hello, the first person to offer me a cigarette was wearing Chanel and Dior head to toe. Of course I trusted her.”
About two weeks into her study abroad term, Smith became a true European, criticizing Americans’ unhealthy use of aspartame and red dye 40 while smoking two packs a day. She felt immune to the effects of cigarettes and was sure this immunity would follow her back to the U.S.
To help spread awareness about the disheartening news she received from her doctor, Smith shared the study on her main account AND her study abroad account (@emilyanneontheseine). The story was reposted hundreds of times, resulting in the destruction of an estimated 12 Zara leather jackets and 7 gingham scarves by violent tears and subsequent phlegmy coughs.