Boy Scouts to Begrudgingly Allow Gays, But Blacks Are Back Out
University Shuttles to Run Only When Youāre Not There
EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when youāre not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. āPart of this new policy comes from the extra snow weāve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,ā said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. āBut itās mostly to build character.ā Colhoff said youāll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather
RIM Hopes New Brickbreaker Only Phone Will Increase Blackberry Sales
Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated
EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. āIām not racist,ā the teen said. āI just donāt think itās fair that I worked so hard and still didnāt get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ā60s were still in place, this never wouldāve
Diaries of Ten āBachelorā Contestants Contain āEerily Identical Narrativesā
AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the āone true love of [her] life,ā a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and āLive, Laugh, Loveā mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The
Sherman Ave Contributor Nearly Misses Deadline; Can’t Stop Laughing at Own Dick Joke
A Valentineās Day Poem
āI fucking hate Valentineās Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. Itās much more fun to be a whore, Thatās what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friendās fake – I donāt know how much more I can take.
[Nostalgia Issue] A Retrospective from Your Forgotten Tamagotchi
THE BOX IN THE BACK CORNER UNDER YOUR BED — Salutations, my dear human. Itās been years since last we met, yet it was you who gave me life, so long ago, on the electronics aisle of Toys-R-Us. It was you whose jelly-covered fingers freed me from the confines of my tamago (thatās the Japanese word for egg, if you ever wondered) with just the press of an irritatingly small button. Nearly three lustra have elapsed since last you fed
[Nostalgia Issue] Where Are They Now: The Rugrats
We all remember the Rugrats, those adventurous wild babes from the 90s. We knew them so well back then, but what have they done since then? The Flipside caught up with them to find out. Tommy: Tommy continues to be the leader he was back in his youth, and he is now the starting running back and a captain on Calās football team. He gets girls like none other and rages harder than anyone. Heās projected as a mid-third round
[Nostalgia Issue] Your Starving Neopets Spend Your Neopoints on Food, Wheel of Fortune
NEOPIA CENTRAL — Your Kacheek, Lupe, and Quiggle have raided The National Neopian Bank, demanding that the teller, a grumpy green Skeith, hand over ten thousand neopoints to pay for some food. Since you have not fed them in four years, your pets furiously went to Neopian Fresh Foods and purchased three leeks, a pteri kabob, and an apple juice for a total of 3,392 NP. Having satiated their hunger, your pets, named soccerKacheek1235, HarryPotterLupe-in, and MrQuigglekins, then decided to