NU Says It’s Only Fair To Have More Fairs

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EVANSTON — Northwestern University administrators declared yesterday that the campus will host a record number of fairs this year. Events Management Chair Neil Cordoba foreshadowed some of the future happenings: “We could not help noticing the repeated success of the Activities Fair, the Volunteer Fair, the Jobs and Internships Fair, not to mention our other fairs, so we made a commitment to add a fair number more this year.” Following the Housing Fair in February, a new Louis Hall event

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Athletes Find New Performance-Enhancing Drugs From Unlikely Sources

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AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse. 1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid The tranquilizer fluid will be taken

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ASG Passes Sweeping Frontera Fresco Line Reform

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EVANSTON — After the 2012 student surveys, both North Campus and South Campus members of the Associated Student Government reached an agreement to curb long lines at Frontera Fresco. The compromise represented a significant policy shift for North Campus members in order to appease their more liberal counterparts. “There’s clearly a change in demographics,” said North Campus Minority Leader Mitch Levy. His party has typically supported old-fashioned gender policies (through single-sex Greek houses), advanced interrogation (hazing), and the opposition of

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Chris Brown Announces Plan to Beat Up a Member of Every Minority Group

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LOS ANGELES, CA — Controversial recording artist and actor Chris Brown surprised everyone today when he announced that his felonious attacks on the Barbadian singer Rihanna and the gay R&B artist Frank Ocean were just teasers for his upcoming series of events, “I Can Destroy Ya: Beating Up Minorities Tour 2013,” signaling that he has finally moved on from physically attacking women in favor of a broader range of targets. “I’ll admit I used to leave the occasional scar on

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After a Cyberattack on the New York Times, China Targets The Flipside

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BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside. China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked. Other on-campus publications were also

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The Super Bowl Time Travels to the Nineties

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NEW ORLEANS, LA — Between the San Francisco 49ers using Tupac’s “California Love” as their run-in music and the fact that the 49ers were actually played, Super Bowl XLVII proved it could effectively time travel to 1999. At the request of Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, NFL officials decided to bend the laws of physics to go back in time before “the incident.” Lewis was looking for a repeat of Super Bowl XXXV, which included a MVP-winning performance and performances

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