Post Office Ends Saturday Mail Delivery; NU Mailrooms Now Only Open Tuesdays 5-7
NU Says It’s Only Fair To Have More Fairs
EVANSTON — Northwestern University administrators declared yesterday that the campus will host a record number of fairs this year. Events Management Chair Neil Cordoba foreshadowed some of the future happenings: “We could not help noticing the repeated success of the Activities Fair, the Volunteer Fair, the Jobs and Internships Fair, not to mention our other fairs, so we made a commitment to add a fair number more this year.” Following the Housing Fair in February, a new Louis Hall event
Athletes Find New Performance-Enhancing Drugs From Unlikely Sources
AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse. 1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid The tranquilizer fluid will be taken
ASG Passes Sweeping Frontera Fresco Line Reform
EVANSTON — After the 2012 student surveys, both North Campus and South Campus members of the Associated Student Government reached an agreement to curb long lines at Frontera Fresco. The compromise represented a significant policy shift for North Campus members in order to appease their more liberal counterparts. “There’s clearly a change in demographics,” said North Campus Minority Leader Mitch Levy. His party has typically supported old-fashioned gender policies (through single-sex Greek houses), advanced interrogation (hazing), and the opposition of
Northwestern and the Chicago Cubs Announce Plans to go on Biggest Loser
Chris Brown Announces Plan to Beat Up a Member of Every Minority Group
LOS ANGELES, CA — Controversial recording artist and actor Chris Brown surprised everyone today when he announced that his felonious attacks on the Barbadian singer Rihanna and the gay R&B artist Frank Ocean were just teasers for his upcoming series of events, “I Can Destroy Ya: Beating Up Minorities Tour 2013,” signaling that he has finally moved on from physically attacking women in favor of a broader range of targets. “I’ll admit I used to leave the occasional scar on
Secure in Their Own Superiority and King Sized Beds, White People Sleep More Than Minorities
Infographic: How Will Our Childhood Heroes Be Disgraced Next?
After a Cyberattack on the New York Times, China Targets The Flipside
BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside. China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked. Other on-campus publications were also
Fighting Methodist Trips Over Own Sentence, Impaled on Cross-Shaped Sword