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T.I. Lyrics Talk Suicidal Man Down From Roof

October 20, 2010 Colton Maddox Leave a comment

ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported. One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange: T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’??? Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself. T.I.: Why you wanna go and

Bro Accidentally Correct in Calling Rainbow Week “Totally Gay”

October 12, 2010 Clare Roth One comment

EVANSTON—In an unwitting display of complete factual accuracy, a McCormick senior proclaimed that Rainbow Week was “gay” on Friday. Chad Block, a mid-forward on the Ultimate Frisbee team, was examining a Norris bulletin board when he made his truthful declaration. “Man, how gay is that shit?” he said to Joe “Broseph” Leibowitz, a senior rugby hooker. Leibowitz was shocked. He commented that this is one of the first times he’s seen Block use vocabulary correctly. “He’s not so good with

Read more Local, No. 41

A New Way for Girls to “Fake It”

October 12, 2010 Flippy One comment

EVANSTON—In high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand. This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. “Nobody wants to be a girl’s first anymore,” said senior A.J. Thomson. “That

Marathon Junkie ODs On “Runner’s High”

October 12, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Celebrations at Sunday’s Bank of America Chicago Marathon came to a crashing halt when one of the participants suffered from a runner’s high overdose. Thomas Peters, 36, collapsed when his muscles ceased to function just before the twentieth mile marker. He was promptly carted off to Rush Medical Center, where he was treated and is currently in stable condition. Peters, a self-proclaimed “marathon junkie,” has run in over 300 marathons during his lifetime, including 40 races in the last twelve

Professors Fail to Satisfy Freshmen; Midterm Exams Deemed Premature

October 12, 2010 Tyler Dillon Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Hundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations. Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule. “It’s not fair,” moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. “just as I’m totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform

Read more Local, No. 41

New Version of Auto-Tune Allows Male Pop Stars to Sound Like They Have Testicles

October 12, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles. The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity. Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a

NU Student Discovers His Shit Does Not Stink

October 12, 2010 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him. “I was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, ‘Hey, that’s weird’,” Simpson said. “So I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.” Simpson’s roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise. “For the first couple weeks, he just seemed

Read more Local, No. 41

NU Student on Innuendo Overuse – “Stop shoving it down my throat”

October 12, 2010 Flippy 2 comments

EVANSTON—According to at least one Northwestern student, what you say is no longer what you mean. On a modern college campus, its seems that anything one says — no matter the topic, will be taken to be sexual in nature. Any statement, sentence, or phrase is assumed, at least by the more perverted members of the student body, to be referring to the act of making love and private parts. Thankfully, some students are just not going to take it

Poster Sale Actually Cover-Up for More Construction at Norris

October 12, 2010 Jared Tyler Leave a comment

EVANSTON—This past week’s poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall. “I was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,” claims Zucker, “but when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.” When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed

Read more Local, No. 41

Demos Makes Field Goal, Parts Red Sea

October 12, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

Stefan Demos kicked a 45-yard game-tying field goal for Northwestern Saturday as angels ascended onto Ryan Field and Jesus appeared on the sideline to give Pat Fitzgerald a high-five.