Bienen Student Eyes Vuvuzela Performance Studies Major

EVANSTON—Amidst the drama of hundreds of undergraduates struggling to decide on a major to pursue, one brave sophomore sought solace in his newly-developed track of study. “I’ve been wanting to study the vuvuzela ever since I can remember,” Freddie Marks (Bienen ’13) droned. “I just think at this point in time, a degree in vuvuzela performance would be most beneficial to me and my family.” Northwestern is known for its program where students can design their own major if unsatisfied

Activities Fair Perfect Time to Brush Against Cute Girl’s Ass

EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.” Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved

Two Dead, Others Injured in Bed Riser Collapse

EVANSTON—This week, Weinberg freshman Stu Pitt and his roommate Tim Burr perished after falling two feet and three inches when Pitt’s bed risers caved in. The four-inch-tall risers were a violation of Northwestern University’s housing code, which prohibits any kind of lofted furniture. “This is for safety reasons,” said NU housing representative Justin Thyme. “When I reflect upon this great tragedy, it’s clear to me that the boys would still be alive today if they’d just followed the rules. cheap

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